Disease
by MoonlightMask
Summary: He was sick, he had to be. How else could he explain the fire inside him every time she smirked at him or teased him, this constant need to defeat her? Ever since that kiss on the rofftop it was like something inside him snapped, she occupied his every thought, consumed him even in his dreams. He didn't know who he was anymore and it was all her fault.
1. Fire and Ice

**Hey, this is my first Hey Arnold fanfiction, so I'm a bit nervous, fair warning Arnold might seem a bit OC but before judging a beg you to read the whole chapter. The timeline is eight years after the show ended so it covers the first movie but the **_**Jungle Movie**_** never happened. I apologize in advance about any spelling or grammatical errors this fic might have.**

**Hey Arnold! Is the sole property of its creator Craig Bartlett and Nickelodeon I own nothing.**

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Disease

Chapter I: Fire and Ice

It was all her fault!

"Okay guys reel in! This guy can't bat to save his life!"

She gave him a mocking smirk and adjusted her cap, preparing to throw the ball. He felt the sickness inside him stir, making is stomach twist, his heart rate speed up and pure anger rush trough his veins. His blood boiled and he could hear his mind whisper, with a furious passion:

_Show her! Beat her! Wipe that grin off her face! Win!_

The ball flew pass him. And he heard her voice filled with mockery.

"Strike One!"

He was sick, he had to be. He knew he wasn't perfect, but he was nice guy… C'mon he helped people all the time just to see them happy; he didn't hate anyone, not even Rex Higgins The Third or Wolfgang despite all the harm they had done to him. But when he was with her, something awaken in him, something vicious, it demanded that he couldn't just turn the other check with her, he had to strike back, insult to insult, prank to prank, to show her who was the boss and finally put her in her place.

He knew when that disease had first appeared. That confession in the rooftop had been burned into his memory, never to disappear again. When she told him she loved him and kissed him, his first real kiss, something had snapped inside him. He felt shocked, frustrated and angry, incredibly angry. How could she say she loved him! She tormented him, insulted him, treated him bellow dirt all his life, that wasn't how someone treated the person they claimed to love! She couldn't do this to him! She couldn't just drop this bomb and then expect everything to go back to normal! Why? Why was she the only person that could bring him to the brink of inanity?

During the April Fools incident when he decided to beat her at her own game and took advantage of her feelings for him (the way she constantly took advantage of his kindness) and asked her to dance. During that tango that feeling of anger resurfaced but differently, he felt such thrill, his body tingling with excitement knowing what he was about to do to her, that he was finally going to win. And when he threw her in that pool and saw her finally defeated, he was surprised at the amount of joy he could feel in her humiliation at the power he had over her, he thought that she would have to treat him right now, he won, she had admitted her feelings for him and now he was victorious in their game, she had no more cards to play.

That was until his stupid conscious got in the way and he took her hand, so sure he was of her defeat that he forgot who exactly Helga G. Pataki was, and then he lost **again** and had to listen to her sneer.

After the dance and when he had been alone in his room he had been ashamed of his behavior, to take advantage of a girl's feelings for him, to use them against her like that, was crossing a line he had never even came near before dealing with her. He was even more ashamed at his complete lack of regret in his actions, at his frustration at another defeat. That was the first time he felt that fire in his stomach and heard the boiling of his blood screaming:

_She beat us! Again! Aren't you tired of losing to her?! Of backing down before her? It isn't fair! __**She **__is the one __**in love**__ with __**you**__! But she never acts like it, never admits it and you are the one who follows her around like a puppy! It's not fair; she should be following your lead, not the other way around._

He was shocked at his own thoughts but still remembering her shocked look as she realized what he had done, the taste of his fleeting victory, he could not stop them.

_You had her! You finally had her! And you let her get way!_

He suppressed the rage and the passion, calling himself stupid, after all he didn't lose, if anything there had been a tie, he tricked her, she tricked him. He even had the advantage of knowing how she felt about him, she could hide it in her pranks and insults but deep down inside she was aware that he knew her secret. They could deny all they wanted, agree that it was just in the heat of the moment but they knew what she said had been the truth, that it did happen, that it was forever in their memories. He had that now; the power to destroy her was in the tip of his tongue, a word from him and her precious secret would be out, why wasn't she more careful about the way she treated him?

But the deed was done. The gates were open and no matter how much he tried to fight it, every time he dealt with her, every time she insulted him, pushed him around, he felt that fire urging him to fight back to use the power he had over her, and the disease had spread through his body and soul. All because of her…

He looked at her, at seventeen she had grown into quite a woman. The baby fat had melted, the lines in her face had harmonized revealing a slender form and feminine traces that he never imagined she could have. Her body was athletic and fit, her hair long and golden, trapped in a ponytail and most of the time she wore a pink baseball cap as a replacement for her pink bow, small chest but long legs and curvy waist she managed turned many heads in their High School. Now in pink shorts and white T-shirt in the summer heat, preparing to throw and grinning like she was sure he was going to fail. She seemed to him like a snake, like a treacherous snake.

He had to win. He had to show her he could.

He swung with all his strength but was disappointed to find that the ball had flown past him.

"Strike Two."

He cursed inwardly, and saw the mischievous glow in her eyes, the fire in him grew hotter and he growled. She caught his look and her grin became even more wicked, and then her delicate pink lips moved very slowly, there was no sound but he could distinctly make out the words.

"Football Head."

He saw red, he was sure he was burning, his blood was boiling. How he hated her, how he passionately hated her. Screw the game, screw the score. He wanted to throw way this stupid bat, walk up to her, grab her and… he didn't know what to do with her! Shake her, ask her why she was doing this to him, what was she doing to him, demand answers. He didn't know what this fire was, he didn't know how to make it stop, how to cure the sickness inside him… But she knew she had to know! It was all her fault! She had done this to him!

He could show her though. He could mutter those words and see her crumble at his feet, play her game and win. The words were at the tip of his tongue, he didn't even have to say them out loud just mutter them like her, spare her the public humiliation, and it was more mercy that she had ever shown him anyway…

_Say it! Say it! Say FTi, show her your power! The power she gave you! She never sees you, she never respects you but this… this will remind her of who you are!_

But he couldn't. He couldn't do that to her. To use that, to break the illusion that that moment had never existed was to plunge himself into a dark cliff never knowing where he were going to land but certain he could never go back to where he had been before. There was something in that place that was restless and powerful, the heart of his disease, and he was scared… Scared of what he might become if he plunged that deep.

So he held his tongue and tried to convey his threat by his eyes alone.

_Stop it Helga! Stop it or I will say it!_

Her gaze sharpened as she prepared the killing blow. He felt his body tensing, his hands gripping the bat more tightly, his body burning, his blood singing. This time… this time he was going to win. He had to beat her this time, to ease the fire in him, to finally sleep without her tormenting his dreams.

She threw. He swung.

And the ball landed on the catcher's glove with a swing thump.

"Strike Three. You're out!"

The words took a while to sink in.

He lost… again.

He couldn't believe it. Why… oh why couldn't he ever win against her?

He walked away from the field, angry and miserable, lost in his thoughts and only snapped out of it when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to the face of his best friend, kind and full of sympathy but blind to the storm inside of him.

"That's alright man. You gave it your best shot and we have the advantage either way."

"Yeah, but I still would have liked to have scored some points."

Gerald didn't know, he couldn't tell him. It wasn't about the game, or the team it was about her. It was about showing her he could play and win and be the best. He had tried so hard to make her see and still he failed. He felt frustrated and empty as he saw Helga move on to her next victim.

Half an hour later the game ended, his team won but he lost.

"Ahem…"

Rhonda had rose to pitchers mould and had struck on her poses, chin high in the air, hand to her chest and looking at them with superiority, when she was sure she had everybody's attention she proceeded as thus:

"My fellow classmates, in honor of the start of summer vacation I am throwing my annual End of the School Year Bash next Saturday, party starts at 7 pm and ends at 2 am, I have reserved the ballroom at the Jasmine Country Club for the occasion, there will be food and a live DJ and of course you are all invited plus your dates."

There was a loud cheer and murmurs of excitement, Rhonda was famous for her extravagant and amazing parties and this would be no exception for sure. Rhonda, pleased with the reaction had taken a bow and gone her stately way with Nadine and Sheena in tow, planning the details of another fun filled evening.

He turned to Gerald whose attention was locked on a certain petite Asian girl, short and a bit mousy but cute and curvy but his eyes traveled to her companion whose eyes twinkled with amusement at Phoebe's babble and a teasing gentle smile, nothing like the ones she always showed him, flourished on her face as she graciously bended down in order to whisper something in Phoebe's ear that made the short girl blush terribly and give out a little squeal then take a short glance at the tall boy by his side. This action made Helga notice his gaze on her and she gave a pointed look that said clearly "what are **you** staring at" and turned her face away in contempt.

He felt the heat returning with a vengeance, if he had won she wouldn't treat him like that. If he could only win, just once…

He managed to smother the heat with difficulty it was getting harder and harder to take back control, to ignore the rushing of his blood and not to act upon his ravenous instincts.

He called Gerald's attention and the two said their goodbyes to their classmates and walked that well-known path from Gerald's Fields to his house.

"This is the year Arnold. This is the year I'm finally going to ask Phoebe to be my date to the party. You'll see my man, this year is going to be perfect."

"I still don't understand why you couldn't have asked her last year, or even to the Christmas Party a few months back."

Gerald shook his head in mock despair.

"Arnold, Arnold, Arnold… don't you see? It has to be perfect! Last year I didn't have a license, on Christmas Jamie-O didn't let me have the car or money for a decent gift. I'm serious about Phoebe; I want to sweep her off her feet, so it has to be perfect. This time I have it all, the car, money for flowers, and the new Pop Daddy cologne. It's perfect! Do you think she'll say yes?"

Arnold sighed, for two years Gerald and Phoebe had been dancing around each other, flirting, going on dates that they insisted weren't dates merely "friendly outings", sitting together at lunch gazing lovingly at each other's eyes until even he was ready to gag. Not to mention he and Helga were forced into closed proximity due to their best friend's closeness, something that often ended in arguments, passionate exchange of glares that went unnoticed in their love birds friends attention. It seemed that he and Helga could never agree about anything, even the most insignificant subject could turn into a fight about their entire way of living. Like a few weeks ago when during lunch Gerald had started the subject of the new English assignment for the a classic book, things had started out friendly enough until Helga expressed her utter antipathy for the main male character, for his stupidity in going after main female character and always complaining about her attitude towards him when she had given him a fair warning that she would never love him and had never showed any sort of preference for him over her other suitors. Inexplicably this caused his disease to start acting up and he lashed that if the main female character hadn't been so full of pride and vanity and had been honest with her true feelings she wouldn't have ended up in a loveless marriage, miserable and alone and could have been with a man that actually loved her. Helga had the argued that no means no, and that the hero should just have taken the hint and stopped his pathetic attempts to court the girl when they were obviously not wanted. This had escalated into a barely contained shouting match that ended with him growling at Helga that maybe if she **really**, **really** used her imagination maybe she could feel some empathy for the hero.

This had been the closest he had ever been to talk about the FTi incident ever. They booth stopped, too shocked to speak, Phoebe and Gerald were also looking at them curiously not understanding the veiled reference. He would never forget her reaction, her eyes locked with his, face pale, breathing raged, it had been a battle of wills. One of them would have to back down or to move forwards into the talk they had avoided like the bloody plague for eight years. But he couldn't say another word, he couldn't do that to them, he wasn't ready yet and she was obviously not ready to finally have that talk so, ignoring the voice telling him not to lose again, he backed down, sat and resumed eating his lunch and after a few seconds she followed his lead. Neither of them spoke for the rest of the lunch hour and when Gerald asked him what that had been about he couldn't answer.

"How about you? Are going to ask anyone?"

He looked into his best friend's face; he was trying hard to mask his interest. Gerald had taken an interest with his inexistent romantic life, and had proceeded to set him up with several girls, but his relationships never lasted long, the longest had been with Samantha, a sweet girl that worked as a volunteer in the Animal Shelter, she was beautiful, sweet, intelligent, had a great sense of humor and loved baseball, in short she had been perfect, absolutely perfect, so everybody had been shocked with the news of their breakup, especially shocked that he had broken up with her. He was known as the nice guy, honest, caring, the fact that he actually had broken a girl's heart had horrified everyone, when Gerald had confronted him he hadn't been able to explain the why, by all accounts Sam had been exactly his type and they had had loads of things in common, but he just couldn't feel any attraction towards her, something had been missing, What, he couldn't say.

He suspected it was somehow because of his disease.

Meaning his inability to have a real meaningful relationship was all Helga's fault.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll take Lila, you know as friends…"

Gerald sighed.

"Man you have to get out there! I mean there must be a girl in this town that will drive you crazy, you just have to try and find her…"

_There already is…_

"…and you'll never do that if you keep taking out Lila, unless you still like her like her?"

Arnold sent him a dry look at his mocking tone.

"You know that's not true Gerald. I'm just not interested in anyone at the moment."

Gerald sighed and turned silent as they opened the door of the Sunset Arms Boarding House to be greeted by the usual torrent of stray cats and Abner and by Pookie's maniac laugh.

"Kill the Empire!"

"Hey Grandma."

"Hello Coronel, have you triumphed over your enemy?"

_Not really._

"Yes Grandma we won the game. Where's Grandpa?"

"He's in his office, don't interrupt him, he had raspberry cobbler for desert."

They climbed the steps, through the door of his Grandpa's "office" where they heard the lament of the poor old man who never learned to follow his own advice. Finally running to the door of his room in order to avoid the dishes being thrown by a furious Susie hopping to hit her deadbeat husband, Oscar, and locking the door behind them to avoid the chance that any of the members of his extended family could come in and "ask" them to perform chore after gulling chore.

"Well you better wise up man; soon you'll be the only one without a date."

"Lots of our classmates don't have girlfriends Gerald. Like Sid, Stinky or Eugene."

"Yeah but I doubt Eugene is looking for a **girl**friend and Sid and Stinky still have burping contests in the cafeteria, compared to them you're a freaking Don Juan. You have to at least try Arnold, I mean even Helga…"

_What?!_

"What?!"

Everything stopped Gerald's talking, the noise of the boarding house, his heartbeat. It was like for a few seconds time had completely stopped, before the fire in his body rose so suddenly he almost doubled over in pain, his vision turned red. He had to have heard wrong, it was impossible Helga would never… had never… she wouldn't do that to him.

"Helga did what?"

He knew Gerald was looking at him weirdly, that his actions were strange and completely out of proportion but frankly right now he didn't care, he wasn't even taking the trouble of trying to hide his emotions. This was too important to bother with such things, if what he thought was true.

_No… no it can't be…_

Gerald seemed hesitant to continue but he realized that he wasn't just going to drop the subject.

"Well… Phoebe told that she's been feeling a bit lonely since Helga started seeing someone so she and I should spend more time together…"

The fire stopped, what was once a raging volcano was silent now an icy tundra taking its place. His whole body felt like it was trapped in ice, but he wasn't cold, the ice came from the inside, it wasn't painful like the fire it was calm and logic exactly like he should be acting all the time.

"Really Helga… a boyfriend? Who would have thought…? Did Phoebe tell you who he was?"

Gerald looked a bit scared right now, but everything was alright now he was just really, really cold and very, very curious at this mystery boyfriend Helga had all of the sudden.

"Nah. I don't think even she knew, I mean Helga's nuts and kind of a tomboy… who knows what type of guy she's into?"

_You would be surprised._

"Maybe it's someone we know and they want to keep it a secret."

"Could be… wow I never thought to see the day Helga would go gaga over a guy and the guy actually would go gaga over her."

"Yeah… it really is something…"

"Arnold man, are you okay? You're acting weird. Don't tell me this bothers you?"

He laughed, but it was a sound foreigner to his own throat, so soulless and cold that Gerald felt goose bumps on his arms as the horrid sound travel through the air to fade away a few moments later.

"You're kidding right? Why should it bother me that Helga finally found someone crazy enough to date her?"

"I don't know man, but you're freaking me out."

Arnold shook his head trying to dispel the sickness in him.

"It's nothing Gerald; I'm just tired that's all."

The afternoon went by without any other incidents and soon enough Gerald had discussed his absolutely brilliant plan to win Phoebe over, completely unaware that Phoebe had been won over years before a thousand times, the only interruption being when the gong rang for dinner giving Arnold a temporary relief. Gerald was his best friend, practically his brother but there was only so much a guy could take before going completely mental, so he didn't really feel very sorry when Gerald went on his merry way home and we was finally alone with thoughts.

The ice was inside him still, the disease corrupting his body and mind with thought of her and that other guy she was apparently with. Imaginary images danced in his head of her and that shadowy figure, holding hands, sneaking out together, her confessing his love for him and forcefully kissing him on top of a roof…

He punched his pillow over and over again in furry, in cold furry so deeply buried underneath the ice that he didn't even recognized the reasons he was doing it, only that it had something to do with his sickness and that it was her fault, always, always her fault.

_It's not fair! She's the one who started this, who confessed to you, who kissed you, she changed everything, she made me this way and yet she acts like nothing ever happen like it didn't matter. She moves forwards, going out with another guy doing god knows what with him and you can't because of her. She doesn't even care about what she's done to you. She's probably with that other guy right now, confessing her love for him, messing him up the same way she did to you._

It couldn't end this way, he wouldn't let it end this way, before she could run off with somebody else and leave him high and dry forever cursed with this fire and ice and emotional turmoil. He wasn't going to let her defeat him so fully, he had to win this game or else he would never have another moment of peace. This was the last straw, he wasn't going to let her do this to him, she was going to take responsibility for what she had done to him and cure him of this sickness. Even if he had to drag the answers out of her, he would finally end her sick little game.

This time he would be the winner.

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**And that's the end of the first chapter I hope you enjoyed my work and I would like to ask you to please comment on it, even if it's criticism as long as it constructive or even a single word saying if you liked it or not is welcome.**

**For those who think Arnold is a little off, first of all I love dark Arnold and second I think underneath all that nice boy routine Arnold is a really passionate guy, I also think that he and Helga compensate each other perfectly and that the same way Arnold brings out the good there is in Helga, Helga kind off brings out the darkness there is in Arnold, she is the only one he's kind off harsh with or that he actively search to get revenge on, so this story explores that theory. He feels very deeply for Helga but he doesn't want to feel that way for her and since he's a "nice guy" that is supposedly into "good, sweet girls" he does not understand that passion that he feels when he's with Helga.**

**I really hope you review or I don't know if I should continue this story or not.**

**Best wishes.**


	2. A Sick, Sick Man

**Hello again! Thank for all your reviews I really wasn't expecting such a great response, so to everyone who took the trouble to leave his opinion of my work and incited me to continue writing this story: thank you, you are all fantastic.**

**I actually based this fanfiction (besides on my personal opinion that Helga brings out the darkness in Arnold) on a single piece of dialogue a book I recently read, it was **_**Great Expectations**_** by Charles Dickens and it was basically like this: **_**«…you're in every thought, you're part of my existence, you're part of me…»**_**. I read it and I just thought it fitted somehow in this idea I wanted to write about, so here we are.**

**Once again I apologize for any grammatical and spelling errors.**

**Disclaimer:**_** Hey Arnold**_**! does not in any way belong to me. I own nothing.**

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Disease

Chapter II: A Sick, Sick Man

The night of the big party came, and despite having been announced by the weather man to be one of the warmest nights of the year to him it was cold as winter, the week had gone off as planned, going to the pool with his friends, practicing in the batting cages, asking Lila to the summer bash… Well that hadn't been exactly like that, he and Lila were great friends in spite of his unreciprocated crush on her in the fourth grade, after he got sick he had tried to once again pursue Lila in hopping to cure himself of the fire he felt when he was with Helga. After a lot of begging Lila agreed to go out to Slausen's Ice Cream Parlor with him, halfway through his awkward pity date he realized he was unable to summon his former feelings for the sweet red-haired girl, the same empty feeling that something wasn't right when he tried to picture them together tormented him, when he confessed that he just didn't like her like her anymore her relief had been palpable. Their friendship had evolved rapidly and due to the fact that Lila had never found that oh-so-special-someone and that his disease had only gotten worse from there on, sometimes when they were both single and there was this kind of social events they went together as friend in other to spare them the embarrassment of going alone, it was a well-rotted habit.

So he didn't really asked her out, she was already expecting him to take her, and he already knew he was taking her, they just met to discuss the details, the time he could pick her up, her curfew, if his Grandpa would let him have the car… And then right before he got up to leave he was surprised to find that Lila had gripped his wrist stopping him.

"Arnold, is everything alright with you?"

He was shocked at this question; they had been talking normally till now, what had brought up this question?

"Of course I'm alright Lila. What are you talking about?"

She looked a bit nervous, her hand shaking slightly as if she was afraid…

"It's just that lately… I don't know… when you're with Helga…"

The ice took over; he could feel himself going very far away, dethatching himself from this conversation emotionally, his body becoming an automatic machine, cold as steel. With a movement of his arm he broke the grip Lila had on his wrist as if he was disgusted by it. When he spoke the ice cut through the air, the only thing that told him apart from a soulless machine was the slight inflection of anger.

"What about Helga?"

"Every time you meet her you're rude and cruel and downright nasty. You are insulting and cold, I don't understand why you're behaving this way! Did you two have a fight?"

"It's none of your business." He responded and walked away.

It really wasn't. This was between Helga and him, it was their battle, their game, she and Gerald and Helga's mystery boyfriend had nothing to do with this, this no matter how sick and strange it was, it belonged to them and them only. The fact that others kept interfering thinking they had any claim to his relationship with Helga was annoying him.

The words Lila had spoken were true, ever since Gerald had told him of Helga's betrayal in their game, he had been so cold and the fact that Helga didn't even seemed to recognize the damage she had done to him, had made him want to make her feel as cold and as lost as him, be as nasty to her as she had been to him, to make her feel the same fire and confusion she had drown him in. So he had willingly started to hang out at the places he knew she frequented, sometimes he just glared at her from far away as she practiced baseball or hung out with Phoebe, noticing every little detail about her, the way she nibbled on her lip every time she concentrated or how her hair moved and danced with the light with the slightest movement and getting angrier by the minute, other times we wanted the confrontation and he brought up subjects which he knew would make her angry or cause them to argue. Their arguments were becoming more vicious with each time they met, more insulting, last time they had any contact Gerald and Phoebe had to actually physically drag them from each other in order to avoid the complete and utter rupture of their fragile bond.

_Why is everyone turning against him?! Helga treated him like dirt his whole life and none of them had ever bated an eye, now when I finally start to push back everything is my fault! I'm the mean one, the rude one, the one who is out of line… Well what about her? She drives me crazy and she doesn't even care! Well screw them! I'm not backing down anymore! I'm not going to let her win anymore!_

He ran his hands through his head, how could his skin feel so hot when he felt so cold on the inside?

What was happening to him?

He had to be ill, he was cold and hot and confused and scared yet feeling bold and daring. He hated Helga so much, like he never hated anything before in his life, hated what she was doing to him, he never thought he could feel this intensely about something, this all consuming feeling was changing him and tormenting him and he was fighting with all his might but still, little by little it was overtaking him.

In his dreams the memories of the time he spent with her, the good and the bad, molded and mixed together, growing in intensity until they surrounded him and drowned him in the turmoil of emotions that Helga always awoke in him, one moment he was playing baseball against her in Gerald's Field just like a few days ago, the next he would be nine again and they would be dancing the tango at the April Fools Dance and the next he would be spraying her face with water at Chez Parris. Sometimes she didn't appear at all, but he could feel her there, her voice teasing him like he was still just a child, a sudden glimpse of golden hair and a pink ribbon caught his eye, he would call her, demand for her to show herself to him. In all those times he woke up as if he was awakening from a fever dream, confused, the memories of the dream would be at first so very vivid that he believed that she was still with him, only to then fade away and he would find himself alone and the dark feeling the emptiness eating him up from the inside out.

When he fought with her it felt a little like it had a few years ago, when he poured paint on her as pay back for the torture she put him through, it felt good and every cell in his body was telling him she deserved it, yet there was a thin sense of guilt and stronger one of awkwardness of doing so foreign as to be mean and feel pleasure for it, but now it was enhanced by years of frustration and illness.

The small part of him that still retained a bit of logic tried to remind him of all the good things Helga had done, that deep inside her there was something good and kind. That she was creative and intelligent but scared to show it… But that just made his anger against her grow and fester, the fact that there were people that knew who Helga really was while he had put the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle, the fact that Helga was never honest with him, that she had the nerve to tell him she loved him, to make him like this and then never bothered to show her true self, like he wasn't worthy of seeing it, made his blood boil and he felt like screaming at her and fight with her just to get some relief from this pressure.

What was he becoming?

This was going too far, there was something inside him that scared him, something dark and forbidden lurking underneath all the ice that was in his soul just bidding his time, waiting to claw his way into the surface and cause chaos, something that promised to fix his problems, to cure him of his maladies and finally defeat Helga for good, something that was him and it wasn't him since something so powerful and sinister could never belong to him… It had been born out of the sickness in his heart, and in his forced ignorance and neglect of it, it had grown and prospered and now it was so close to taking over him that only that layer of ice separated it from taking over him and him from becoming it.

But the ice was spreading, leaving him angry and indifferent at the same time, he was starting not to care if it ever broke out, it promised to defeat Helga that was what he wanted, what he needed to do, it promised to cure him of the corruption inside him, to bring him peace, to set things right again. What wouldn't he give to be healed, to sleep peacefully at least, to finally close his eyes to her presence, to be able to ignore her like he tried to do his whole life… Part of him wanted to bring that thing out and finally stop walking on eggshells; he was so tired of fighting it…

What the hell was he?

"So Shortman, are you ready to go to your friend's little party?"

He fixed his tie and gave his image in the mirror a quick assessment; he was dressed in a tuxedo and a green tie, and turned back to look at his Grandpa.

"Sure thing Grandpa. I'll be back late so you and Grandma so don't wait up."

"Pookie told me the same thing about twenty minutes ago and went out the door. So it will be just me and the guys playing poker tonight. Now you go and have fun, and do nothing I wouldn't do."

"Bye Grandpa."

He took the Packard and drove up to Lila's front door; she was already outside waiting for him, dressed in a pretty green dress with some frills, green shoes with a golden buckle, her red hair in a bun and curls. She was so very beautiful, waiting there on her doorstep for him, so kind and sweet, like some sort of princess from a fairytale and he couldn't see her, all he could think about was if Helga was going to show up, how she would look like, or if she was going to show up with an that guy's arm wrapped around her body. He was insane, he had to be, after all he had the perfect girl right in front of him and yet every fiber of his being was focused on that blonde menace, he had to be insane, this disease had made him like this, she made him like this.

It was always her fault…

"Good evening Arnold."

"Hey Lila. Ready to go?"

"Why certainly Arnold! I'm sure we'll have ever so much fun, Rhonda's parties are always so delightful."

"Yeah."

She didn't talked about the events of a few days ago, although she kept glancing at him when she thought he wasn't looking, he knew she was worried, they were friends and most of all she was friends with Helga too, Lila was a kind girl she wanted all of her friends to be as happy and carefree as her, so naturally she was worried about this tension between him and Helga. But she needed to see that it wasn't really her concern, his relationship with Helga had always been tense and strange and no one had felt the need to butt in before, just because it was becoming more intense it didn't mean it was her right to try to fix something that had never been completely right in the first place.

They arrived to the front of the sumptuous Jasmine Country Club in comfortable silence; delivering the Packard to the valet, they entered the ballroom, together but not touching. The room was enormous the eastern wall was covered in windows, the entry was a stairway of polished marble and directly on the opposite wall there were was a gigantic pair of windows that led to a balcony overlooking the green fields and half hidden by a curtain was a small door. The walls were of painted with beautiful earthly tones and the titled floor was cool on the warm night. There were two long tables filled with food of all kinds, chairs were put up against the wall for those who wanted to sit down and eat or just rest. Ice sculptures of swans, deer and Greek gods towered over the tables, balloons danced in the ceiling and across the floor a DJ played in a corner, on the floor several couples and groups were already dancing. With the flowing dresses, the lights, the full moon and the stars shining through the windows, the green fields and trees reflected in the windows made the whole place glow, reminding him of movie scenes. Rhonda had obviously had went all out this year and the place was packed, it seemed that almost every kid in school was here.

"Oh look there's Rhonda."

She was meting them at the bottom of the stairs, wearing what was obviously a high-couture red dressed, by her side was the Capitan of the High School football team, a senior, he was nice guy, a bit slow-witted but very popular and Rhonda's date, it seemed to him that the poor guy, smiling as he followed Rhonda around, was more of an accessory than the designer bracelet Rhonda was wearing.

"Arnold! Lila! Welcome! Welcome! So want do you think? Isn't it a great party? One of my greatest works, wouldn't you agree?"

"It looks great Rhonda; you really outdid yourself this time."

"Of course I did. Well don't let me interrupt your fun, go, go, mingle, eat, dance, enjoy! Marie, darling! I'm so glad you came! Isn't it a wondrous party? "

And then she walked away with her date in tow to great another newcomer. Lila quickly spotted their usual gang talking near the table, well most of them were talking, Harold was stuffing his face with appetizers while a disgruntled but slightly amused Patty looked on.

"Hey guys!"

"Hey Arnold. Hey Lila!"

"Is everybody here already?"

Sid looked around counting their companions.

"Well almost everybody. Phoebe, Gerald, Eugene and Sheena are dancing."

He pointed to the dance floor were Gerald was spinning the small Asian girl in his arms while she giggled and Sheena and Eugene were doing one of their extravagant and perfectly choreographed dances, almost knocking down a busboy during one of their pirouettes.

He looked around attentively, taking in the entire ballroom, Rhonda was playing hostess, a group of freshmen were standing nervously in a corner, and most of the people were on the dance floor, bodies spinning, grinding, people laughing and talking, music pumping, lights flashing. Yet no glimpse of long blonde hair or familiar figure caught his eyes, nor any mocking snicker reached his ears, the blood wasn't singing in his veins nor was the fire burning hotter than usual. She wasn't here, Phoebe was here and she wasn't, which meant that she was coming latter with somebody else; she was coming here with him.

He felt the air turn colder.

"Where's Helga?"

They exchanged nervous looks and he felt his blood turn to ice. They knew… They all knew and they were all on her side! Didn't they see that she was the one responsible for all this; she had turned his world upside down eight years ago, she had forced him to play this twisted game until he became addicted to it, she had made him this sick! She didn't even took responsibility for what she did, she just slithered away certain that he would back down and let do everything she wanted. Well not anymore! He wasn't just going to let her walk away without at least an explanation of what she had done to him.

He dispelled the anger inside of him and relaxed his shoulders, his eyes observing his worried friends. It really wasn't their fault; they just didn't understood what was really going on, the game Helga played with him was private; a silent battle between the two of them, and others weren't needed. And now that he was finally fighting back they found his change in demeanor strange, but soon it would all be over, this battle was close to the finish, Helga had just thrown her final blow and now he was going to finish this.

He felt cold, so cold his whole being was becoming numb, numb to their concerned gazes, numb to the music and beauty around him, numb to the tiny voice in his head that was warning of how close to edge he really was, how close the monster inside of him was to break away, how close he was to crossing that line, the line he had never dared to cross, the line drawn between them the day they agreed that nothing had happened on that rooftop, that final fragile illusion had so many cracks that it was close to shattering.

"Oh Arnold I simply love this song, if we could dance to it I would enjoy it ever so much."

She pulled him to the dance floor; he looked at his friends they were all whispering among themselves, he grabbed Lila's hand and began to dance with her. He couldn't concentrate on the music, could not enjoy the melody and the beat or the voice of the singer, his mind was racing too loud for him to properly hear them, conjuring images of shadowy figures interlacing lovingly in some secret corner. He didn't focused on his partner's graceful movements or twinkling laughter, although she turned many eyes towards her, as his eyes were always turning to the grand staircase or searching for her distinct shape in the middle of the moving bodies that scattered across the beautiful room. In some distant corner of his mind he knew that Lila's body was warm and pleasant to the touch and that her perfume was soft and sweet but he was too numb from the cold to feel such things.

Lila's favorite song ended and another began and she still wasn't there, he danced another and another until Lila felt tired and they sat down near Eugene, who was talking to his senior, a pretty boy from the drama club, Nadine and Peapod were exchanging small talk and she still didn't show up. At a certain point he went to get him and Lila something to eat, they talked about their plans for the summer vacation but she still hadn't appeared…

He felt lost, he was without a purpose without her near him; this sickness was making him forget why he wanted to come to this party in the first place. Where was she? She was never this late! Had something happen to her? Had she decided that spending time with some guy was more important than coming to a party with her friends? Wasn't she even going to let him finish this? Was he doomed to spend the rest of his life stuck in this state of anger and ice, his senses forever stunted?

He forced those thoughts out his mind, but still their echoes remained, he couldn't focus, he couldn't breathe. He was angry and worried till the point where he didn't know if when she appeared he would scream at her or hug her.

He got up and asked his date to dance, the moment her tiny hand touched his he was frustrated and empty, he wanted to see Lila's beauty, he wanted to forget about Helga and their game, to let them both go on their own separate paths but he wanted to win too badly to stop now.

The music came to a stop and while he was basking in those few seconds of silence between songs his hears caught a sound, the sound he had been desperate to hear this entire night.

"Helga, darling, I know it is fashionable to be late but still there really is something as too much of a good thing."

Electric energy zapped through every atom of his being, his senses sharpened to a height he forgotten he had, his entire body seemed to awaken with a jolt. He felt alive, for the first time in days he was alive! He turned to face the source of if nightmares.

And he felt the ice returning with a vengeance, he could see her smiling innocently, like she hadn't done anything at all. He could see her, her long hair, free from any restrain tumbled and curled until it went pass her shoulders in gentle golden waves, her dress wasn't glamorous or elaborate like other girl's were, it was a simple piece of baby pink cloth wrapped around her body leaving the soft skin of her shoulders exposed to the night air, she wore no jewelry and simple sensible shoes. The lights bathed her in a warm soft glow, she looked amazing, he took in her whole figure and felt hatred running through his veins, of course the effect was completely ruined by that hideous arm wrapped around her waist, if there was any chance he could have thought of Helga as beautiful tonight it was impossible now.

He followed that arm to the shoulder it was attached to; from that shoulder he passed the thin neck to the familiar face, his face twisted itself into a mocking sneer, he swallowed a malicious laugh.

_Brainy?! Is she serious? The mystery guy is wheezy, creepy, stalker Brainy! This has got to be a joke! This is one of her pranks, a new way to drive him crazy; it was the only logical explanation. Helga and Brainy! Brainy and Helga! Together! She hates him, she never gave him the time of day, this has to be one of her schemes… It just has to be…_

He watched, his anger growing at every second that arm remained where it obviously didn't belong, as they walked through the room towards their friends, he watched as they were welcomed with open arms, no one seemed to find it odd that Helga was now dating what had been once her one of her favorite punching bags. Phoebe and Gerald were the only ones that seems a bit uneasy by these strange events, they abandoned the dance floor with a worried look on their faces, he saw Phoebe softly touch Helga's naked arm and pulling her away from that revolting hold, whispering concernedly to her. He wanted to get closer to her and listen to what they were saying; maybe Phoebe was just counseling Helga on how wrong it was to using Brainy in their game, but Lila still had his hand trapped in hers, already moving to the beat of a new song.

He glared at her and she turned her face away, he turned his head to catch a glimpse of Brainy handing a glass to Helga and then bending over to say something in her hear, his body tensed and he felt sick, his throat was filled with bile, there was nothing soft or warm in him left.

"Ouch! Arnold you're squeezing my hand too hard!"

He turned to look at Lila, he had forgotten she was there, that he was in a dance floor surrounded by dozens of people, so focused he was on her every move. He saw Brainy offering his hand to her with a flourish and his hears caught her giggle even over noise of people and music. He grinded his teeth, moving mechanically across the floor, every time Brainy touched her the cold froze a bit more of his soul, his vision turned red and he walked a little closer to the edge of sanity.

Thankfully the song ended and Lila was very thirsty, meaning that he could finally focused solely on the phenomenon of nature that was Brainy and Helga's relationship, they danced and laughed and talked to their friends like there was nothing wrong. But he knew better, this whole scene seemed like it was taken out of some sort of pizza induced nightmare, and Brainy was just smiling like an idiot, was he really not aware that Helga was just using him to torment him?

She knew exactly what she had done to him, that she had created such emptiness in him that couldn't be satisfied, she knew that because of her every time he tried to develop any sort of romantic relationship was doomed to be a failure and now here she was, parading Brainy in front of him to show off her victory, that she could find someone he couldn't. Tormenting him, teasing him she actually had the nerve to do this to him, this was her final blow on him, to drive him to insanity and then show off how she wasn't even the least bit affected. This was the last straw, he couldn't wait anymore! He had to show her who the winner really was, that no matter how she tried to hide it she had given him the advantage years ago.

Tonight this would all be over; tonight the tables would finally turn, for tonight he was going to **win**! And when at last he would see her broken and defeated at his feet, then he would be healed, this sickness would finally be over and he would be free from her.

He watched, he calculated, whoever paid enough attention to his demeanor would without doubt be reminded of a panther stalking his prey. He talked to no one, his eyes never left her. Lila had gone to talk to some of her friends, and now it was just a matter of waiting for the right time.

_Now!_

Sid had called Brainy and he was walking away, leaving Helga free and at his mercy. He moved swiftly, excited but the ice in him didn't let any expression pass on to his face but that of cold indifference, he only stopped when was has right by her side.

"So… you and Brainy huh?

She gave a startled jump and turned to him; face shocked, if it was at his sudden appearance or at the cold mocking tone of his voice he didn't care. He was sick, the shine in her startled blue eyes and her soft gasp had pocked the monster inside him and now there was barely anything part of him that hasn't been corrupted by the sickness left. Her shocked look brought a tingle of pleasure to his body, but Helga wasn't the type of girl who would be defeated so easily, the game would be very boring if she was. Her face twisted into a scowl and she looked away from him to follow Brainy with her eyes, he formed a fist with his left hand and fought back a snarl that had nothing of human in it.

"Mind your own beeswax Football Head! So I came to the party with Brainy, so what? I don't know why everyone's so surprised. Criminy he's not some sort of leper."

He frowned at her words; there she was again, treating him like he was nothing, like this was nothing, she wasn't even looking at him!

"Oh I'm not surprised at all. I know from experience that when sometimes when you act like you hate a guy it just means that you feel just the opposite."

She was looking at him now. Her skin had taken on a pale tone, her body tensed and her furious eyes clashed with his; it was the same as a few weeks ago, the battle of wills. He smiled mockingly at her; he wasn't backing down, not this time, never again…

"Shall we dance?"

He offered her his hand; his smile was so cold, like it had been carved in stone.

"You know what? I think I'm going to have to pass on that." She turned and started to walk away.

_No! You can't do that! How dare she walk away from this! He wasn't finished yet!_

The monster broke through the ice, finally unleashed, ravenous, furious, and filled with that passionate hatred that only she could awaken. He was so close to that dark edge, he no longer had any control over his actions, he was just watching as that passion moved his body and used his voice. He watched as his body grabbed Helga's arm and squeezed it tightly, preventing her escape, his body pulled her to him, rejoicing on the fact that she wasn't fighting him. He walked closer to the edge, he didn't care anymore he just wanted to win.

He was so cold…

She turned to face him, she was scared, trembling, her eyes darting to left and right worried that someone was watching them. He growled and pulled her closer to him; even now she was more worried about what others might think and not about what was happening now, between them. He followed her eyes to Brainy, still talking to Sid and Stinky oblivious to his **girlfriend's** (he thought with contempt) distress, the anger rose like a tidal wave pushing him over the edge to the dark pit. Why was she looking at Brainy when he was the one that had her at his mercy?

"Let go Arnold."

She was so close to him, he could feel her warmth. The contrast between what he had felt with Lila and what he was felling with her was incredible, with Lila he had been so cold and numb that he could barely feel her underneath the layer of ice, but now… it was like his senses were getting drunk off her, it had been so long since he felt with such intensity. The heat and softness of the skin beneath his hand made his body tingle and his heart speed up, his face was so close to hers that a few of her more rebellious strings of hair tickled his nose, he could smell her perfume that unlike Lila's was cool and with a tinge of citrus, his eyes drank her form, the light in her hair, the shadows in her neck, the nervous tap of her left foot. He missed this; he needed this, to feel so much of everything after that long period of numbness… he felt so alive. He couldn't let her leave now; he couldn't go back to the cold and the numbness. He needed her with him!

He watched as his body bended down to whisper in her ear, the moment seemed to last forever, the calm before the storm…

"FTi."

The illusion shattered, he fell into the darkness, the point of no return had been crossed and nothing could ever take this moment back. It was amazing how a single word could change things, her reaction had been instantaneous, the trembling became more pronounced, her skin had become an unhealthy shade of white and she apparently had lost all ability to speak since her delicate pink lips were parted but no sound had been able to come out.

He had won. He offered her his hand again and noticed the music that was playing.

A tango, how appropriate…

"Shall we?"

She took his hand and silently followed him to the dance floor. It was a song very alike the one that had played in that dance eight years ago, the situation was also similar; the feeling of victory was running through his body, exhilaration in every time they touched, joy as they moved together as one across the floor. Right hands intertwined, his left on her curvy waist while hers squeezed his shoulder, feet barely missing each other, traveling in quick movements that seemed like they had been dancing with each other their whole lives.

People were looking at them; Brainy was frowning as he followed their movements, he tossed him a smile, it was rotten thing to do even his diseased state he realized that, but he couldn't stop the exhilaration at the feel of her in his arms, the victory, the joy, the excitement was making him giddy, it was a bit like being drunk only that all of his attention was focused on her.

The song ended too soon for his taste and he felt her hands on his chest pushing him slightly away, but he stood his ground. He had won, didn't she realized that, she could no longer deny that she wasn't affected by this too, not anymore.

"We need to talk."

Her voiced was laced with barely contained anger, she took his hand in a hard grip and pulled him towards to the small door, she glanced at Brainy who gave her a small nod, their friends were talking among themselves and Gerald was gripping Phoebe's shoulder stopping her from following them. They went through the small door and down a few barely lit steps and he was dragged across the green grass illuminated by the moon and the few stars that could shine despite the city lights, she only stopped on the other side of the building, were no one in the ballroom could see them. This was it, their battle was about to begin, she was furious, he was furious; no one was backing out now.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

This was it.

"What the hell is wrong with me?! What about you? You were late and then you show up here with Brainy! Brainy! Seriously?"

"That is none of your business!" she growled.

_How dare she?_

"Really? You're actually going to run with that?"

_It was all her fault._

"Yes because it's true. That is not why I dragged you here! What the hell was that?!"

"What?"

"On the dance floor, that's what! Out of the blue you decide to bring up that **thing**! Why?"

_I have wanted to say this for so long…_

"That thing? Can't you even say what it was! You kissed me! You told me you loved me! And then you treat me like it never happen!"

"It didn't happen! It was just the heat of the moment, you agreed with me at the time!"

_What did you do to me Helga?_

"You can't just tell someone that and then expect things to go back to normal!"

_This passion…_

"Things did go back to normal! After that thing we went on with our lives, nothing changed! Why? Why bring it up now?"

"I changed! I didn't want to but I changed and it was because of that, because of you!"

_This madness…_

"What? I don't understand you, Arnold! I don't understand why you keep talking about that thing, its dead and buried! "

"Really? Because the way you reacted when I brought it up it didn't look so dead and buried to me! You can deny it all you want Helga but you and I both know it happened, that that was the only time you were actually honest with me."

_This heat…_

"I want answers Helga. You're not slithering away this time."

_This sickness…_

_It's not normal Helga, no one was ever supposed to feel this way it is driving me crazy!_

"For heaven's sake Arnaldo, it was eight years ago!"

_Can't you see that I'm scared Helga? I don't know who I am anymore…you changed me Helga…_

"Now be a big boy and get over it!"

_I want it to stop now!_

He was burning alive, he couldn't take it anymore, the fear, the anger, the dreams, the memories, her touch, her smell, her voice surrounded him, and it was all too much. It all came tumbling down, like a tsunami sweeping its path destroying everything in its way. He couldn't think straight, his heart felt like it was going to explode any second now, he was overwhelmed and he didn't know by what, by his hatred for her that burned so brightly at her words, by his frustration, by the dark monster inside him, he didn't know! He was so tired of this turmoil, of this drama… why did everything in his life that involved her have always to be such a mess? Why did she hate him so much that she could never make it easy for him? Why was she such a big part of his existence? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Anyone but her…

He could deal with other people, he could talk with other people, be calm and collected and never let things go out of hand. But not with her, never with her, she awakened something in him that couldn't be controlled, no matter how much he tried to get away she managed to pull him back in… no, Helga G. Pataki would forever be his tormentor.

He didn't know what he was doing anymore, his body was moving but he wasn't controlling it, he had stopped fighting for control as soon as she said those words, he just felt. He felt as he grabbed Helga's shoulders in a tight grip, he felt as he pushed her against a wall and pressed his body against hers, feeling her curves against his lines, he let out a desperate moan when he felt her coldness against his raging heat, soothing it, calming it a relief he hadn't felt in years washed over him, a sick part of his mind couldn't help but noticing how well they fit together. He listened absent mindedly to her protests, as he was focusing on how to continue this miracle, this cure that only she could provide. And then he felt his mouth covering hers in a touch that had nothing of sweet or romantic but that was desperate and passionate an attempt to ease the fire inside him, he lost himself in that touch and let his instincts take over him.

And then Arnold knew what he was… he was a very, very sick man.

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**Well… I wasn't expecting to write such a long chapter, but once I started I just couldn't find a way to stop, it just came out. I hope I can update soon. In the meanwhile please leave your reviews so I'll know if I'm in the right track or not. I am a bit nervous with the dialogue between Helga and Arnold; I wanted to make it as real as possible. But on the upside I think I captured Arnold's emotions with some accuracy.**

**Until the next time, please review.**


	3. With or Without

**Hello again. Things have been a bit erratic lately and since I'm going to go on holidays I won't update for a while, I mean I will try to write a bit every day but it will be a lot harder since I won't have the time I have now, sorry. As always I would like to thank all of those that have reviewed my story, I am very grateful to you all and I hope you continue reading and reviewing of course. I would like to apologize for spelling or grammatical mistakes and I hope it isn't anything serious.**

**Please enjoy the new chapter of Disease**

**Disclaimer: Hey Arnold does not belong to me in any way.**

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Disease

Chapter III: With or Without

He never imagined it could be like this, with the single touch of her soft, pink lips to his he felt like a weight had been lifted off his back, the ice melted leaving his blood warm and flowing naturally again, the fear and anger dispelled like they had been part of a bad dream and not his constant companions, for the first time in days he felt safe and at peace, the feel of her skin was like a long awaited return to home. Only the fire remained but no longer the inferno that had corrupted him for so long, this fire was all-consuming, slow and gentle, not maddening or angry it felt just natural to burn like this. He was still sick, he knew that, but it felt so good now, it was a feeling of liberation yet he was conscious that he was more dependent on her now than he had ever been before.

His lips moved over hers softly, memorizing the taste of her, he dared not ask for entry or think about if anyone had ever touched the soft skin that remained submissive under his desperate attack. His lungs began to burn for air but he resisted, he did not want to part with her, being with her like this was like a drug healing him but making him worse at the same time, he realized dimly that he was becoming addicted to her cure, to end this moment would be to plunge back into the void of anger and fear, to part now would be to never experience this again …

_Not yet! Please not yet! I need more time! Helga, please give me more time to set everything right!_

But his need for air spoke higher and reluctantly he slowly broke away from her. And just like that the spell was broken, icy water washed over him, he jumped back afraid of her, the influence she had over him terrified him, what he had just done terrified him… He looked at his hands, the hands that had shoved Helga into a wall, that held her still as he took her lips with force, it were the hands of a stranger. He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time since she had dragged him to this secluded place and what he saw made the feeling of panic grow even larger.

Helga, always so strong and sarcastic, so witty and fearless was crying, silent tears ran across her, now, unnaturally pale flesh, her blue eyes wide with shock and panic, and she was very still, so much so that if it wasn't for the rapid rise and lowering of her chest he would have doubted if she was alive. He had never seen Helga cry before, and he never wanted to see it again, he didn't know what to do, he was hopping she would yell or make fun of him but she was just standing there looking at him with those terrified eyes. Bile rose in his throat, he felt like he was going to throw up, shame and self-disgust were slamming into to him, those eyes, those beautiful big eyes that had always looked at him with defiance and amusement were afraid of him…

_What have I done? What the hell is wrong with me? Oh Helga…_

No! It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wanted to defeat Helga, to make her admit the truth about that day, to hear that would completely heal him he was sure, but this… he couldn't tear his eyes away from hers, he craved the return of the ice hopping that would make him immune to that gaze. He was chocking in his own panic but he couldn't move, paralyzed by her eyes. All he could do was to stare at her. He would do anything to make those tears stop, but he didn't know what, touching her was out of the question, he didn't trust himself enough for that but he had to say something… He didn't care if he lost again, after all the game wasn't over yet, he just wanted her to turn back to the Helga he knew.

"Helga… Oh Helga! I'm so sor…"

The impact was so sudden that he fell on his back onto the hard soil with a grunt, he looked up shocked, and Helga was standing before him like a vengeful Valkyrie, face livid with fury, Ol'Betsy and the Five Avengers taunt at her sides, ready to attack him again.

"How dare you? After all you said, after all we've been through, how dare you?"

He stood up, a mixture of emotions were welling up inside him, relief at her return to normal, anger that she hit him, shock because despite all of her threats Helga had never actually hit him before, and confusion at her words, Surely she didn't think that he the only one responsible for this mess. She was the one who started this!

"Helga listen…"

"NO! I've heard enough from you tonight! Now you're going to listen to me!"

He tried to fight back but her gaze made him hold his tongue, the way she was it was more than likely she would hit him again, no matter how angry he was there was no desire to provoke the anger of Ol'Betsy.

"It was your idea! To forget about the whole thing it was your idea, not mine! You wanted to believe that moment never happen as hard as me!"

"Helga…"

"No! Let me finish! You can't keep pulling me back to this! You can't …Why did you do this Arnold? "

He looked at her, her face still wet with tears caught the glow of moon and her hair was now messy, the anger and self-disgust burned inside him when he realized that he couldn't help but thinking on how beautiful she really was, even filled with anger and hurt. She was looking at him, her big piercing blue eyes and it awakened in him a fuzzy memory long forgotten… or it had been one of his feverish dreams, it was of a little girl alone in the rain with nobody to hold her hand or comfort her. His fever was coming back, he could already feel his body starting to burn, they really were alike he realized, she and that lonely girl, he wanted to comfort her, to take away her pain, his skin already desperate to hold her in his arms and stop her tears. He forced himself to stop looking at her before he did something crazy again.

"I… I don't know."

It was true, what had come over him to do those things was beyond his knowledge, all he had known had been the heat and the anger and the desperate urge to do something, anything to make this disease stop before there was nothing in him left. He didn't know what to answer her, to say he regretted it would be a lie, he didn't regret the touch and the kiss had been amazing, never before had he felt such an incredible feeling of belonging, but the situation had been so very wrong. He couldn't tell her that, it just wasn't right.

_Helga I can't say it. The need I have for you can't be described._

"You don't know! You make us go through all this crap and you don't know?"

She was screaming at him, apparently she no longer cared if anyone dropped in their little heart to heart. Why? Why couldn't she see what was wrong with him? She caused this, he was sure of that, but if she didn't know how to help him, if she truly didn't care then he would be lost forever…

"No I don't! I don't know what came over me! I've been like this for a long time Helga and I don't know why! And tonight when I saw you with Brainy I just snapped!"

He was pretty sure she was going to hit him again and mentally prepared for the impact.

"Brainy? All of this is because I went to the party with Brainy? "

He didn't know what to say, he was afraid to speak. Something was happening; something that he didn't count on, the floor between them was cracking and creating a pit between them, one he could never cross if it became wider. So he stayed quiet as he slowly realized with horror that this wasn't FTi all over again, there was no way they could pretend this never happened, the truth was he didn't want to, the FTi incident had been a mistake and it had festered inside him till he had gone insane, and now here he was, he could still feel the coolness of her lips against his, the feel of her naked shoulders in his hands, the press of her body against his, fighting with her on a moonlit night burning alive in a unknown fire.

"Arnold… are you jealous of Brainy? Is that what this is? Do you like me?"

"No."

The answer had been cold, fast and to the point, in the middle of all these turmoil and confusion, faced with the fire and ice, ravaged by the anger and emptiness, beaten by her again and again till the need to win consumed him, there was but one point in which he was firm, his only safe heaven was the unshakable conviction that he was not in love with Helga. It was impossible for him to be in love with Helga… she was Helga! Mean, sarcastic, tomboy, crazy Helga it was just impossible! Helga was nothing like the girls he had dated before, she was the exact opposite of Lila who had been his longest crush ever, and Helga was bitter and had a cruel sadistic streak that made his blood boil and created an urge to fight with her. No, he wasn't in love with Helga; there was no way he could be…

"Let me see… You're not in love with me but you're angry if I date someone else, you don't want me but you don't me to want anyone else… You can't have it all Arnold."

"That's not it. I can't explain it Helga."

"Oh really?! Because it looks pretty clear from where I'm standing! You don't want to see me move on; you want me to be in love with you and chase after you and be miserable for the rest of my life for what? To boost your ego or something?"

Why couldn't he explain it to her? She was misunderstanding everything! He couldn't think straight with the fire in him, he needed to be clear of mind; he needed her to make him better like when he kissed her. He never wanted to hurt her or to create a wall between them and most of all he had never meant for things to go this far… He couldn't be in love with Helga but that didn't mean that he wanted to be parted from her…

"No Helga it's nothing like that. I never wanted for this to happen, it was a mistake."

"It always is."

He didn't know how to answer that, so he said nothing at all, just looked at her trying to convey all that he was feeling through his eyes, begging her to understand. She stepped back, shook her head and walked away, he did not stop her.

He sat down on the grass rested his head on his hands he felt like a child again sitting by his grandfathers side as he read the end of his father's journal, lost, confused and sad.

She was right, it had always been a mistake, and their entire messed up relationship was a mistake. How much better their lives would have been if they had never met each other, if they had never seen each other in that rainy morning when they were three years old. He looked at the night sky and thought that someone had to be mocking him up there, of all the cities in the world, of all the preschools and schools in Hillwood he had to end up in the same class with the only one person in this world that could drive him out of his mind. He tried to image his life without Helga, no one to argue, to stand up to, no one to drive him up the wall, he would be happy, dating some sweet girl, never knowing that there was a fire that could burn from the inside, never knowing that there was sickness that could corrupt someone so fully, he would be happy and normal. And yet his whole being found that existence revolting and empty, he realized with disgust that he rather spend his life like this than to have never met Helga.

_If only it was someone else, someone other than her. If only it wasn't so intense or frightening. If only he could make her see what was going on. If only…_

He had made such a mess of things, he should have gone after her, tried to explain it to her, to make her see, he should have at least tried. Now he was alone, he knew Helga, he didn't understand her, but he knew and she would avoid him like the plague, he wouldn't even have the opportunity to make things right, he had missed his chance, he was sure that by now she was in Brainy's arms making plans on how to avoid him for rest of her of life.

_How did things go so wrong?_

Why did it have to be Helga, of all people? She was poison, pure poison, to his soul, to his mind and to his body, when he was with her he didn't know himself, he didn't have any control, there were times when he believed that his rational brain turned off and his body moved on its own, like with the kiss tonight.

He got up suddenly and passed nervously, back and forth in the country club's pristine lawn, hands pressed against his forehead in desperation. He was crazy, she had always made him crazy but now there was the danger of it becoming permanent and of causing real damage. What he had done was unforgivable to use the FTi incident against her like had been an extremely low blow, he remember the thrill he felt watching her face pale and felt disgusting, then to lose control like that, what kind of person was he? What had he been thinking?

He hadn't been thinking, that's what! There was something about Helga that made him lose all control and worse of all something in him had wanted to lose control. He had wanted to fight with her, he had revealed in the kiss, he hadn't regret it, even now that part of him was screaming at him for letting go, for letting her go back to Brainy. When he kissed he felt almost healed, in a way she was his cure, but to be around her was poison, he would be putting himself at her mercy, he would be subjecting himself to that primeval part of him. He didn't want that, to be so dependent on someone else, on her, it was scary; she was with Brainy now he had no right to ask that from her. She was the cause, she was his cure and she was unreachable.

He sighed, maybe Helga had the best idea maybe it was better if they stayed away from each other. Maybe if they were finally separated he would be healed and free from her, it would take some time and a lot of pain, but after a while he would get used to the separation, eventually things would calm down and they would put these incidents behind them, perhaps the impossible would happen and he would forget about Helga, soon enough she would just be someone from his past. He was sure of it, it had to work since giving in to the fever had given him temporary relief but ultimately it had only made things worse.

His relationship with Helga had always been difficult now it had evidently reached its breaking point; he would be doing them both a favor by ending it now before they could cause more pain to each other. He had to stay away from Helga, from now on he would stay away from her at least until he was completely healed.

His heart gave a painful thump and he had to sit back down, it all felt so wrong so very wrong. Helga had always been there, during the happy times and the sad ones, fighting and laughing, clashing or helping each other, no matter what they had been together, she was one of the biggest constants of his life, bad or good there had never been a healthy medium, with Helga everything was passionate, the fire, the anger, the fights, the kiss… It was hard to think that never again would he feel that intensity, that passion, to never be called Football Head again and it hurt.

_It hurts so much._

"Arnold."

He looked up shocked, Lila's soft voice pulling him out his musings, he had forgotten about her, about the party, about all his friends, only Helga could have that effect on him. He looked away from her graceful figure unable to stand her look of pity, she knew, she knew everything, by now there must be a big purple mark on his face so it wouldn't be hard to reach the conclusion that he and Helga had a fight, but the look on her face told him that she knew more, the look of absolute pity on her face made him feel ashamed, he had failed in whatever he set out to do and she knew that, she knew that he and Helga could never go back to way they had been before.

He felt her hand on his shoulder, it should have felt comforting, it should have taken his mind off the colossal mess up he made, but all it did was make him remember that just a few moments ago his hands had been on her shoulders, that his lips had been pressed against hers that she had been by his side and not Lila.

"Arnold, I think it's time to go home."

He looked around confused; it was like he didn't know where he was, indeed he looked to the parking lot in the distance there were several cars making their way to the exit.

_How long have I been here? How long have I been here thinking of her?_

"And Helga?"

He didn't mean to say it, he had been thinking it, he was always thinking of her but he didn't want to say it and most of all he didn't t want to know the answer that he already suspected Lila would give.

"She left about an hour ago… she left with Brainy."

_It hurts! Why does it hurt so badly? Why Brainy?_

Lila offered him her hand and he took it, he was sure that if she didn't lead him away that he would spend the rest of the night sitting on the lawn of the country club, she led to the front entrance where they asked the valet for the Packard at the door was Rhonda and her date saying goodbye to all the guests, when her eyes turned to him her face turned serious and she made a movement to come near them but a quick wave of the head from Lila stopped her. As soon as the Packard was delivered he practically shoved Lila inside and drove off desperate to escape the looks and the whispers but he couldn't escape Lila, she didn't even tried to hide her gaze as they entered Hillwood, he wanted her to stop it, he wasn't to be pitied after all he and Helga had been locked into battle since they met the fact that it was over now should be celebrated, no more arguments, no more feelings, no more Football Head.

He wanted to cry…

He stopped at Lila's door and silently urged her to get out and leave him alone, but she didn't she just sat there staring at him, he fought the urge to scream at her to get out, he wanted to be alone.

"I'm sorry."

Her soft voice rang in the car, it made the ice in him thicken and his soul become numb, he was never cold with Helga, with her there was only fire.

"Sorry for what?"

"For you and Helga, I'm so sorry."

Anger flowed through his body, he didn't want her pity, and after all what did she knew about him and Helga? Nothing that's what! He and Helga were in a league of their own and no one could truly understand. What did Lila knew about the fire inside him, what did perfect, happy Lila knew about losing control of everything.

"I don't know why you keep bringing up Helga, there is nothing between me and Helga and there is never going to be."

"I don't think that's possible."

He snapped, quickly turning to her he made no attempt to hide his anger, but Lila didn't even flinched just sat there staring at him.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I just don't it's possible to keep you and Helga apart."

_How dare she?!_

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Did she think of as some weakling that couldn't go a day without Helga's presence? He would show her, the resolve of avoiding Helga hardened in him, the anger at the disbelief of others taking his mind of the horrible pain and emptiness.

When she gave him a soft sad smile he felt an almost overwhelming urge to push her out of the car and drive away just to get away from it.

"Arnold, haven't you realized it yet?"

He just looked at her; did she really think she knew more about his relationship with Helga than him? He had been dealing with Helga for years before Lila even met them!

"Arnold you and Helga are so… I sorry I always ever so lost on how to explain this… intertwined (that's the only way I can explain it), you are so different and yet very similar that you compensate and complement each other absolutely perfectly. It is quite difficult to think of one without thinking of the other."

That hit too close to home for his tastes, the conversation taking a dangerous turn. He wanted to stay away from Helga not to be reminded on how much he needed her.

_Then why is she with Brainy?! If we are so inseparable then why is she moving on when I can't!_

"Lila, please…"

He couldn't have this talk, not with her and not now. The wounds were too recent, still open and bleeding, the pain was too recent for him to talk about it. He needed her to stop talking about this; he needed her to go away now. He couldn't deal with this right now, Helga was gone and that was that, there was nothing he could do, Helga had chosen Brainy not him... his hands tighten on the wheel at the thought. The pain was immense, the fire had been burning for a long time but it had never been painful but now it was a slow agony, it hurt everywhere and nowhere. The emotional turmoil was making him sick to his stomach and he felt a migraine starting to act up. He just wanted to see Helga and try to make things better but he couldn't because being together was what caused this whole mess, whatever he had meant to do when he had shattered their fragile peace he had obviously failed.

He felt Lila's small delicate hand on his shoulder; he looked up and forced himself to stand her gaze, he had already destroyed his relationship with Helga tonight he had no desire to ruin his relationship with such a good friend as Lila, so he smothered all the instincts that were telling him that the touch of her hand was disgusting that her look of pity as one of the most annoying things he had ever seen in his life.

"Arnold, everything is going to be all right. I know you and Helga are going to work things out."

_No it's not going to be alright. It's never going to be alright again because Helga is gone and I messed up so badly._

He said nothing, all hope was gone from him, he watched Lila leave and entered her own house and he drove off. His body was going on automatic; he stopped when he needed to stop and went when he needed to go, he passed the dark dirty streets never even noticing them in his mind he was very far away. In his mind he was still in that lawn looking at her begging at her to see what is going on, to understand, to stay and then watching as she turned her back and walked away leaving him alone and hurt.

She left him and that hurt; she left him to go to Brainy and that hurt even more. He should have left things go the way they were going; sure he had been angry and he had been sick just by being around her but it had been better than this. Better than being in pain by knowing that he was separated from her, that moment when he kissed her had been so good, like for the first in years everything was right in his world, the fire had been calm, the sickness controlled and tamed, he had been incredibly happy, he was home, he was cured and then it all came crashing down on him.

His mind was not lost on the irony of the situation; eight years ago he had been in the opposite role of this dangerous game, it just went to prove on how sick he really was. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know half of what these feelings were but he knew they were all wrong. He shouldn't feel this way, especially towards Helga, why Helga? They knew each other for years and yet their relationship was never really on solid ground, he always knew where he stood with other people, he had family, friends, crushes, ex-girlfriends, teachers, rivals, people he knew and people he just plain didn't like, Helga didn't fit into any of those categories, there was no label he could put on Helga she was in a league of her own, no defined place in his life, sometimes friend, sometimes rival, so many times he couldn't stand her but it was impossible for him to imagine his life without her.

He parked the car at his front door and quietly walked the steps to his door; all lights were out and there was no noise, which was perfect. On a night like this the last thing he wanted was to face his Grandpa and Grandma with a bruise on his face, tomorrow he would deal with it, but tonight? He just didn't trust himself not to break down in front of his family, he was sure that if he was faced with his Grandpa's concern he would fall on his knees, cry like a child and confess to everything, his actions the feelings, he didn't that, he was too afraid his Grandpa would feel ashamed of him even for just one second. On top of everything else tonight that would be the final drop; the shame of the man who had raised him along with Helga's rejection would kill him.

He walked along the hallway of his home, too afraid to turn on any light in case somebody noticed despite the late hour, slowly he managed to enter his room, and turned off from the world he took off his tie and collapsed on the bed.

What was Helga to him?

All this mess and need for someone who didn't even have a defined place in his life was ridiculous! Who was Helga to him?

She was definitely not his friend, they had clashed way too often for that, and the emotions he felt when he was with her had nothing of friendly in them. Many people defined Helga as his enemy, his rival, and in many ways she was, she was the only person in this world that could make him so angry that he actually saw red, with Helga he wanted to defeat her, they had been in conflict so many times he could write a book about it, but still he couldn't see her as his enemy there had been many moments of tenderness between them, moments where he had felt connected to her and truly happy to have her with him, he just couldn't see Helga as his enemy.

His head hurt so badly, the events of this evening kept spinning around in his head; Lila's and Helga's words haunted him.

He was not in love with Helga, he could not be in love with Helga it was impossible. When he had a crush on a girl everything was rosy and perfect, she was perfect in his eyes, not with Helga, if anyone knew Helga's faults it was him, in a second he could name them: she was rude and insensitive, sarcastic and confrontational, insane and a bit sadistic, there were so many faults in her and he knew them all, he had fought with her over them, found them amusement in them at times. Nothing was rosy and perfect when Helga was involved, everything was intense and real and incredibly scary because of that.

So he knew he wasn't in love with Helga, he knew because she was Helga and he was Arnold and there was no way Arnold could love Helga, the mean bully of his childhood and now the bane of his existence. There was no way he would ever make such big of a mistake as to fall in love with Helga. It was insane, he and Helga drove each other crazy, how could he ever fall in love with her, it was impossible!

So that just brought on the question, what was Helga to him?

She seemed like she had no place in his life yet she was such a big part of it. She was his enemy and his friend, his torment and his salvation; she fit in all categories and none at the same time. She was his sickness and the only cure he knew. How to deal with that?

He was starting to fear that he was in too deep to ever pull out, the poison and the cure at the same time. How can she do these things to him?

How to fix this? He needed her and yet he wanted to stay the hell away from her before this madness consumed him if it hadn't already.

With or without Helga he was screwed.

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**So there we are, this chapter was a bit shorter but like I said I am having less time to write. Please review, it really helps to keep me motivated.**


	4. Subtle Hints

**Hello again, sorry for the delay but here it is chapter four.**

**I thank my many reviewers for their comments and hope that they keep enjoying this story and keep commenting on it. I'm sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors this story might have.**

**Please enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold!**

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Chapter IV: Subtle Hints

Morning came, unwanted as it were, light shone through the skylight bathing the room in a peaceful glow, groaning he rose from the bed, his clothes were rumpled and felt uncomfortable since he had fallen sleep in his tuxedo.

And what a restless sleep it had been, he had tossed and turned in an attempt to escape his nightmares but it had been in vain, even in the deepest part of his subconscious the emptiness had reached him and had tortured him. In his dreams he had been surrounded with darkness, unable to escape the dark prison that he had created, but he wasn't alone Helga had been there, he could feel her presence just beyond the dark jail and had called to her, begged her to save him and when she didn't answer him he had tried to reach her but her presence was fading, she was leaving him, he looked for a way out, clawed at the walls, but he couldn't escape, he watched helplessly as Helga left him in a Hell of his own creation.

Staggering he shed off his expensive tuxedo on the floor, the state of clothes were the last of his concerns as his mind forced him to relieve the events of last night time and time again. The way he acted had been monstrous; he had destroyed in a single night the most complex relation of his life. Questions swirled in his head, making it throb and hurt, he was emotionally exhausted but still his spirit did not rest, he was trapped in the events of last night.

_What have I done?_

_Oh god Helga…_

_Why did you left me?_

_Why couldn't you understand?_

_Why Brainy?_

_What are you?_

He couldn't answer them, he didn't even know who he was anymore all he knew was that he has sick and most off all he was tired, he was so very tired… Tired of the anger and the pain, tired of the turmoil and confusion, tired of the dreams and most of all he was tired of the person he was becoming. The person who was rude to his friends, who was mean and bitter, who managed to hurt someone so special and as strong as Helga, he hated it. Those tears tormented him, they didn't belong on her deep blue eyes or on running down her soft skin, Helga had always seemed so invincible to him, taller, athletic, so confident and brave, he knew she was smart and creative and when, as he grew up and realized just how bad her home life was those qualities seemed even more admirable.

Even now he was filled with anger when he thought of her family, neglecting Helga, it still baffled him on how could someone simply ignore Helga, how could someone overlook that snicker or the mischievous twinkle in her eyes or her sharp wit, it was impossible! He had never been able to ignore her no matter how much he had tried there had been always something that had always pulled him back in, that they had managed to completely ignore such an amazing person, that they were the responsible for Helga's fear of showing her true self disgusted him. That she managed to still be so strong and confident in that environment, so creative in that narrow-minded house was amazing to him. It made her even more extraordinary in his eyes; her qualities gained a new meaning knowing they bloomed in adversity.

And he had done the impossible; he had hurt that strong beautiful girl, he had done what years of abuse with that family of morons hadn't been able to do, make that girl cry.

He may not be able to define exactly what Helga was to him, but he knew he never wanted to hurt her, in all his dreams to defeat her he had never had the desire to hurt her in any way.

Quietly he slithered into the bathroom, it was still early so no one was awake, with any luck he could get out of the house without being seen, he looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

_Ol'Betsy sure knows how to make a comeback._

One side of his face was purple, throbbing and a bit swollen, he looked exhausted too. His skin a pasty tone, bags under his eyes, he looked almost as miserable as he felt, and that was saying something.

With a sigh he laid his forehead against the cool glass vainly hopping it would ease the throbbing on his forehead. Surprisingly the purple swollen flesh on his face wasn't his biggest concern, maybe because compared to what he feeling on the inside the physical pain was nothing, despite being the most noticeable.

_What do I do now?_

Did he just go on with his life like nothing happened? Would it be like FTi all over again, just pretending it never happen, letting it fester inside of him until it came out all wrong like last night. But he knew it wouldn't be like that anymore, it could never be like that ever again, he was tired of pretending, and from the looks of it so was Helga. No, they could never go back to the way things were before, that had become a closed chapter of their history with his stupid actions last night. But now what?

Was it completely ruined? Their relationship had never been stable, but they have known each other since infancy and had tons of friends in common, they had fought together, laughed together, more than half of his life's adventures had her in it, was it all over just because he made a stupid mistake? Would it just be some awkward silence between them from here on? Would they never laugh together again? Would they never bicker over stupid things again? Would he never see her frown as she complained about his nagging, while he laughed on the inside because he knew she was only pretending to be annoyed? Would he never feel his blood boiling when she teased him? Would he never feel the fire in his body when she called him Football Head?

_No! Please no!_

_I don't want to lose Helga!_

That thought startled him. It was true, despite the arguments, despite the person he was becoming, despite all the drama and the messes he just didn't want to lose Helga, not to Brainy, not to his own stupidity, not to anything.

Helga might not have a defined place in his life but he never wanted her out of it. Helga was such a big part of his life, they had gone through so much together but it still wasn't enough! There were still going to be so many special moments in his life and even mundane ones that he wanted for her to be with him. Still so many questions left unanswered. He couldn't lose her now!

They still had to see if Gerald and Phoebe ever ended up together, how he could ever watch the unfolding of their best friend's romantic life without her by his side making kissy faces and embarrassing the heck out of them while he tried desperately not laugh! Who else was going to discuss literature with him and make those simple words on paper take on a whole new deeper meaning? Helga was the only one who could do that! Who would he fight with about what was better, rock or jazz? Who would throw spitballs at him when he fell asleep in history? Who would go to horror movies with him and laugh and point out the stupidity of the plot?

_There is still so much…_

They still the Baseball World Series to go through, they had a bet in which of their favorite teams was going to win, they had to watch them together so the winner could rub his victory on the other one's face! And next year they would graduate! Who would he quarrel about college if there was no Helga there to make fun of his choices while being supportive in her own way? He would never even be able to talk about her choice; about she wanted to do in her life. He would never again have that moment when he caught her off guard and he would see, for the faintest of moments, the hidden brilliance that was inside of her, that hidden creativity and kindness that had survived against all odds!

Who would be his baseball nemesis?

No one.

No one would be all those things; no one could ever be all those things because there was only Helga. No one could just replace her and take her place, she was unique, a vital part of life. If she left there would be nothing there but an empty place and a memory of what once was. Helga had been the first, he had never admitted it to anyone and he was pretty sure he would take this to the grave with him but before Lila, Cecile or even Ruth there had been that little girl alone in the rain with a pretty ribbon in her hair, the first time he had looked at a girl and found her to be pretty. It had always a secret shame that Helga, of all people in this world, had been his first love.

He wanted Helga in his life.

_I need Helga in my life._

Truly she was like a drug, no matter how much hurt she caused him he would always come back for more.

He took a shower and dressed in a simple T-shirt and jeans, he would have left the house then but his stomach grumbled angrily reminding him that other than that little snack at the party he hadn't eaten a good solid meal in almost a day. Groaning he made his way into the kitchen, he knew he couldn't avoid his family until his face returned to normal but the longer he could avoid this talk the better, after feeding Abner he made himself a sandwich and was prepared to bolt out the door.

"Shortman? What are you doing up so early? What happened to your face!?"

_Shit!_

"Oh… Morning Grandpa. You mean this little thing? It's nothing."

His Grandpa's face was incredibly serious, so much so, that he had to turn his eyes away. Even with all this drama he still had some shed of male pride left, there was no way he was going to tell his grandfather that Helga had beaten him up.

"You look like you went to a boxing match instead of a party! Who did this?"

"It's nothing Grandpa! I just had a little argument and it went a little out of hand."

"That's not a little argument, what did you fight about? A girl?"

_Sort of…_

His Grandpa took a hold of his shoulder, forcing his gaze back into the old man's concerned face. The urge to just spill everything about the sickness was immense, maybe confessing would ease his burden in some way but still what would that solve? His Grandpa didn't know Helga, he didn't know her like Arnold did and Helga was unlike anybody he had ever met! She was like fire, temperamental, dangerous, unpredictable and all-consuming, his Grandpa was great but his advice could be resumed in three words: never eat raspberries, completely useless for this situation.

"Come on Shortman, let's take care of that purple mess, I believe we still have a steak in the freezer."

After several awkward half-assed excuses in an attempt to escape, Arnold found himself sulkily munching his sandwich while holding a piece of raw meat to his face while his Grandpa made himself a plate of pancakes. This isn't how things should work out; he didn't want to have this conversation with anyone, not even himself! He shouldn't be surprised; things haven't been going his way for quite some time…

_Ever since that idiot Brainy decided to meddle in their affairs!_

No! That wasn't exactly true, Brainy had been a catalysis for the events of last night there was no doubt about it, but the truth was that before he knew about Brainy and Helga (bile rose up on his throat) he had already been sick for years. He had been sick since the FTi incident, he had let it fester inside him, corrupt him and change him until he turned into the ticking time bomb that exploded last night. So it wasn't all Brainy's fault, it was his as well, he should never have let things go this far, as soon as he realized that Helga had made him sick he should have cut her out his life immediately, it would have been hard then but it was impossible now!

He never should have allowed himself to be so caught up with someone like Helga.

"So Shortman you're going to tell me what happen?"

"It's… it is complicated Grandpa."

"Of course it's complicated! Its women! But you have to remember what I taught you, if you do that you'll do fine."

"…Never eat raspberries?"

"No! Not that advice! The other one! Follow your instincts."

_I want to kill Brainy._

"I don't think that's going to help, Grandpa."

Not to mention his instincts were part of this mess. If only he had controlled them, if only he had suppressed them, he would have never used the FTi incident against Helga, he would never have danced with her and most of all he would never ever have kissed her.

This disease was so serious that his body was going haywire just by being around Helga.

His senses, so numb when he was around other people would sharpen considerably around Helga, to the point of almost getting drunk by her presence. His eyes would devour her form, he would hear her voice above all others, her laugh would tease his hears and her perfume intoxicate him and his body… his body that felt so cold and numb would roar back to life, the sudden fire melting a lifetime's worth of ice and he would feel… gods he could feel so intensely, so passionately that it consumed him with need, the raw need to be by her side, to feel more, to touch…

It was wrong. It was wrong to feel that way about Helga. It had ruined everything last night, it couldn't be done, these feelings were driving him crazy. Why Helga?

Of all people in this world why Helga?

His instincts were wrong. This need for Helga was wrong. This urgency they were showing him, the panic of losing her was wrong. Everything they were telling him to do was wrong! He had to think, that's what he should do, to think of a way to fix this of what he could say for Helga to forgive him, of a way of getting to talk to Helga so that he would at least have a chance to get things back to the way they were, it hadn't been perfect but it was better than nothing.

He finished his sandwich and got up to go back to his room.

"Shortman, denying who you are and want you truly want doesn't bring you any joy. By over thinking everything and suppressing your instincts you're going to miss many chances for something good to happen to you."

He felt a pit at the bottom of his stomach, why did he get the feeling that his Grandpa knew exactly what was going on?

"I don't know what you're talking about Grandpa."

He heard a sigh and felt a hand on his shoulder; he faced his Grandpa's serious gaze and noticed the youthful twinkle in his eyes.

"Listen Shortman I've been where you are so I'll tell you this: you can run, and you can hide, and you can even fight it till your very last strength but sooner or later it's going to catch up to you. So if I were you I would stop fighting by now and learn to accept it."

Now he was really confused, what was his Grandpa talking about? Accepting what? His crazy instincts? That he was never getting Helga back? What?

He walked out of that kitchen feeling even more lost that when he walked in.

He was so tired of all this.

What did he do now?

First of all he had to get Helga to talk to him and that was going to be hell. Helga was anything if stubborn; if she didn't want to talk to him he would have to basically move heaven and earth to get even a chance to try to make things better. Calling would useless; she would hang up before he could say a word, knocking at her door would be pointless, not to mention a more than probable face to face with Big Bob, which would result in his suppressing the urge to glare when he would call Helga "Olga" like it was some big effort to remember his second child's name, like Helga was just a shadow of her older sister instead of the unique, amazing girl she was, and then after all that Helga would slam the door on his face before he even said a word, he was sure of it.

So what could he do?

He needed someone on the inside, someone to convince Helga to listen to him, maybe Phoebe would help him. She was his friend, she was dating his best friend and if there was one person in this world that could even make Helga consider forgiving him that person was Phoebe.

He looked at the Grandfather watch in the hallway, _9.45_, and Phoebe was an early riser it was perfect. He ran to his room, eager for privacy, he grabbed his phone and prepared to dial Phoebe's number.

_What am I going?!_

He dropped the phone in shock, what was he becoming?

It hadn't even been twenty-four hours and he was prepared to use Helga's friends to get her to talk to him, what was he some sort of creepy stalker?

This was simply sick, he didn't want to become this. It was weird and creepy and it was even creepier when he couldn't stop looking at his phone the temptation of making the call stronger by the second.

He wanted to fix things with Helga so badly, the thought of always being this awkward silence between them drove him to desperation, but did he really want to sink even lower in the dark pit, he had already destroyed his fragile relationship with Helga did he really want to pull one of their friends into their business? No, he didn't, even if he knew that Helga probably told Phoebe everything but it was different to confide in a friend from actually making that friend a part of the problem.

He didn't want other people's interference with him and Helga.

The same dark monster that had waited inside the ice didn't want other people's presence in his and Helga's relationship; it was a feeling of such possessiveness that he was shocked that he could actually feel such a thing. It didn't want the stain of others in their bond; his link with Helga was one of a kind no one could make him react the way he did to Helga. Their bond was unique, irreplaceable; he felt such an intense desire to protect it and to preserve it, he was afraid that if anything changed it would be destroyed forever.

That's why he had to fix this, to put things back to where they belonged, but he didn't to depend on others to fix things with Helga. This was between him and her and that was that.

He grabbed his phone again but this time the number he dialed was Helga's.

He could feel his heart beating inside his ribcage and wondered for a second if it was planning on escaping…

One ring… Two rings…

Time seemed to stretch on forever the space between every ring getting longer and longer until it seemed an eternity had passed.

She's not going to pick up is she?

And sure enough after a painfully long eternity he heard the usual synthetic voice telling the number wasn't available, he dropped on the bed, resting his head against his hands.

It's not like he wasn't expecting this to happen, he had known that the probability of her actually talking to him were very low, but it still hurt. The pain was small like pinching you finger in a needle but it was consistent, and it was driving him crazy. He closed his eyes and tried to force the pain away, it wasn't the first time she ignored him two years ago she ignored him for days because they had a fight about their history project. But back then he she would just pout for a while and then soon enough she would be teasing him about his "dorkness" at the lunch table again.

But back then he had known where they stood; he knew that no matter how much the argued or how much he complained about her to Gerald next day they would pick up their trays and sit across each other at lunch even if it was just to glare at each other, no matter how angry they were at each other they would still want to spend time together. But right now Helga wasn't angry at him, she was hurt, guilt welled up inside him, he had never hurt Helga in his life, never in his life had he wanted to hurt Helga.

However he did hurt her, he had made her cry, such incredible self-disgust was building up inside him, he actually felt dirty it was like a lifetime under a shower wouldn't clean him of the horrible deed he had committed. Now he was in uncharted waters, he had dived deep into the dark place of his soul and now he was lost. He didn't know what to do, he was so ashamed of what he had done, if could just turn back time to last night he would have done things so differently.

Underneath all the indifference he was showing to the others the truth was that he was scared, he was so scared that it would have been funny if the situation wasn't so miserable. Scared of what he was becoming, of what he had done, of the meaning of that arm wrapped around Helga's waist and most of all he was scared of Helga.

It wasn't the kind of fear he had when he was young, the fear of getting physically hurt, but now that Helga had so much power over his very being he was scared of just how many ways she could destroy him from the inside now. Last night when she left him alone in that lawn it had hurt, it had been the same pain as when he was reminded that he didn't have a mom and dad, like something had been slowly ripped away from him leaving him empty and alone. How could this be? How could Helga's rejection hurt him so deeply?

He didn't want things to be like this. He didn't want Helga to have this kind of power over him; he didn't want anyone to have this kind of power over him. It wasn't normal! How could so many of his emotions be entangled to somebody else? It shouldn't be like this! He didn't understand this! This disease was giving Helga the power to control his senses he couldn't let that happen! Why was this happening? If he couldn't fix things with Helga will it always feel like this? Like part of him was missing? Like his senses were numb? Like he was alone in a sea of people?

If he didn't get Helga back would he be lost forever?

He had to find out a cure for his condition before he ruined everything. He had been acting in a way that was so despicable, cold to his friends, mean to Helga, hiding things from his family, he didn't want this, he wanted things to go back to the way they were before, before last night, before FTi ever happened. He wanted to go back to the days were their interactions were stable and predictable, at that time he didn't there was a fire that burned on the inside, where her mere glance didn't sent his body on haywire, where he knew what reactions he would have to her antics, a time when he had been healthy.

There had been no fire in those days; he had been normal back then, he looked to beautiful girls like Lila and saw them, his heart would speed up and there would be butterflies on his stomach instead of the numbness, there was no dark pit, no passionate feelings, Helga had been nothing but a bully that sometimes was his friend. She had been nothing but a torn on his side, before FTi he knew that if Helga left he would have missed her; he might have even tried to get her back but he would have not felt the fear and the loneliness he did now.

Back then Helga had not the power to hurt him like this.

…_Only to drive you crazy with her antics._

He ignored that little voice in his head, he had to find a way a cure, to remove all the power he had given Helga. The first step would be to get their relationship back to the way it was and then he would try to exorcise this feelings from his body, he would ignore them and work on them, maybe even start dating again until his body and mind were finally clean of Helga's influence. And after some time he was sure that the fire would extinguish and Helga's place in his life would once again become defined and normal, finally everything would be as it was supposed to be.

He glanced at the phone in his hand.

But before he had to fix things with her or else he would never sleep peacefully ever again.

He dialed Phoebe's number and waited, so nervous that he was actually shaking.

_Please… oh please… please…_

"Good Morning."

Phoebe's soft voice was to him a beacon of hope; surely she could convince Helga to talk to him.

"Hey Phoebe its Arnold! Listen I was wondering… last night Helga and I… had a fight and now she's not talking to me…"

Every word struggled to get out of his throat, to even give someone the slightest hint of what happened last night was rushing all of his blood to his face and making it pulse with heat and shame.

"Helga doesn't want to talk to you."

The cold, merciless tone on Phoebe's usually soft and meek voice had the effect of a bucket of freezing ice cold water on his body, he jumped out of bed and gripped tightly almost as if he wanted to shatter it, panic was rising again, if Phoebe wouldn't help him…

Then what would he do?

"I know, I know I messed up and I'm really sorry so could you please just talk to her! Tell her I want to apologize, tell her…"

The deep disappointed sigh cut his tirade short, desperation was clawing at his chest and he held his breath waiting for Phoebe's next words.

"You just don't get it do you?"

And then she hung up.

He threw the phone away in anger, he felt like screaming, he wanted to break everything in his room, his hands flew into his hair and had half a mind to rip it off. He paced around the room like a caged beast, he felt like a beast in man's skin, he was losing control, anger and frustration had teamed up with fear to push him into insanity.

He was tired of cryptic words of strange feelings, why didn't things made sense for once?!

_What do I do now?_

_What do I do?_

_Somebody please tell me what can I do!_

He was so sick of this…

In hurried steps and with just a few words of goodbye he left his home and took the street that was the fastest way to Helga's house. He just didn't care anymore; he was prepared to bang against her front door and tormenting Big Bob until she agreed to talk to him.

He just wanted to fix this.

_I just want her back!_

He rushed through the streets, uncaring of his surroundings, the only thing he cared about now was when he was going to see that familiar house and when what he was going to say to that woman.

"What happened?!"

The angry scream broke him out of his musings and he turned around to face the angry form of Gerald, the other boy was rushing to him, anger present in every tense muscle of his imposing height yet in his eyes there was distinct note of worry.

He stopped while his best friend drew near, the monster inside him snarling at this interruption, anger against the barrier on his way to Helga and once again he controlled himself and felt disgust for feeling such a way towards his best friend.

Gerald was several inches taller than him, strong and athletic he had grown to resemble his brother Jamie-O, compared to him Arnold was miniscule but still they stood staring angrily at each other, when Gerald proceeded his voice was much lower but no less furious.

"What happened last night?"

He spoke slowly, like he was talking to a child and that just made him angrier.

"It is none of your business Gerald."

"None of my business?! Phoebe is furious! She won't even talk to me because she's afraid that I'll go and tell you!"

He was so tired of people sticking their nose in his and Helga's business, so tired of feeling like others knew more than him.

"Listen man I have been very patient about this whole you and Helga drama and I've tried to help out. But when your crazy messed up relationship starts to mess with my normal one that is where I put my foot down!"

_How dare he?_

"What do you know about me and Helga?"

His voice dripped with poison, he was so sick of this.

Gerald gave a frustrated gasp and his hands gripped his hair tightly he turned to look both ways in a crazed frantic way and finally seemed to explode.

"Oh for Heaven's sake! You're in love with Helga!"

_WHAT?_

His whole body became tense and taunt with shock, every nerve in his body stood on edge, everything had stopped he couldn't even feel his heartbeat his brain had gone into complete shutdown unable to wrap around Gerald's words.

It didn't made sense.

"What?"

His words had been soft and said with great effort, his body still struggling to process Gerald's ridiculous words. Gerald looked at him his face incredulous, for a moment he didn't know who was more shocked him or Gerald.

"Arnold… you seriously haven't realized it yet?"

"I… I don't know what you're talking about Gerald."

He took a step back, he didn't want to listen to this and he didn't have to listen to this, he wasn't in love with Helga throughout this emotional hellhole this was the one truth he had been holding on to. He wanted to run away, he was prepared to bolt, all he was achieving with this was to lose time, he had to get to Helga and apologize so that he could make things go back to the way they were before, but Gerald's hands gripped his shoulders.

"Arnold, look at the way you've been acting, really look at it! Are you honestly telling me that you didn't have a clue?"

He tried to break his friend's hold on his shoulders, it wasn't true, none of that was true, he couldn't be in love with Helga he just couldn't. He knew he'd been acting normal but he was sick! That was it! He was sick and confused but he wanted to fix it so things could go back to normal, he was furious that Gerald was trying to confuse him more, he didn't need this right now.

"Is that what you think?! That I'm in love with Helga?"

"That's what everyone thinks!"

Another shock, he didn't think he could handle it anymore; it was all too much…

"Arnold everyone knows! Me, Phoebe, the entire gang, hell even your grandpa! The only one who wasn't figured it out yet is you!"

He was chocking on his own rage, the only reason he hadn't hit the face in front of him was because it was Gerald's, his brother, and he couldn't ruin his relationship with him either. But what he had said mortified him, suddenly all those whispers, all those looks made sense, they weren't finding his behavior strange, they thought he was broken hearted because Helga… (the pain was immense) … Helga had left with Brainy.

He was so tired of this.

With a shove he pushed Gerald back and ran as fast as he could, he could hear Gerald calling him but he did not stop. He had to run away, he just couldn't deal with all this. The fact that they all thought that… he and Helga… they were wrong, they were just wrong. He wasn't in love with Helga, he just couldn't be. The turmoil inside him was destroying every notion, every certainty that he had, but not this one.

He and Helga would never work out together, of that he was sure. They were so different, they clashed against each other in so many issues, how could someone even think that they would be good together? They argued all the time, worse of all there was a part of him that liked arguing with Helga, a primal, deep part of him that craved the battle, a part of him actually got excited at the thought of his will against hers, his wit against hers, his body seemed to go on overdrive on those moments and he would move run only by instinct. How could two people so passionately against each other be in love?

No, this wasn't love, love couldn't be like this. Love could never be this painful or confusing. What he felt for Helga was complex but it couldn't be love, he would never get a moments rest if he loved Helga, she was so different, so combative, so complicated how could he love her? He and Helga didn't fit, there were too many obstacles: different tastes, different upbringings, different views on life, different moral codes, they clashed like night and day, cats and dogs. It couldn't be love.

It would be a mistake to fall in love with Helga, a colossal mistake. Everything would change forever if he did that. If he and Helga for some reason ever got together it would be a disaster, he was sure of it. They would fight and argue and drive each other crazy and then when they finally broke up there would be nothing to salvage from the wreckage, not even their friendship. Everything would be lost, he would lose Helga permanently. It was better for things to remain as they were, if he messed things with Helga permanently he would never forgive himself.

As he ran he kept repeating to himself desperately, fervently.

He wasn't in love with Helga.

He wasn't in love with Helga.

He wasn't in love with Helga.

He wasn't in love with Helga.

Maybe if he said it enough times it would make it true.

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**Well here it is and I must admit I'm a bit insecure about this chapter. Gerald's confrontation with Arnold is making me really nervous but I thought it was about time somebody said what we are all thinking. Love is a strange powerful thing and some people just don't handle it in the right way, and being such a great thing love can be quite a scary emotion.**

**Please let me know what you think.**

**See you next time.**


	5. Letting Go

**Hello, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to post but since I started to work I've had less time to write and too exhausted and when I do have the time.**

**I'm sorry to say that you shouldn't expect updates anytime soon, my computer is broken so I'm uploading this using a friend's so I won't be able to write for a while. I'm sorry.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter and please forgive my grammatical and spelling errors.**

**I do not, in any way, own Hey Arnold!**

* * *

Chapter V: Letting Go

He ran through the still mostly empty streets, he ran without care, he ran without purpose, he just ran until he could fool himself into believing that the acute pain in his chest came from running and not from the painful truth that was drawing nearer and nearer.

He could feel it coming, like watching an accident happen in slow motion and you couldn't do a thing about it, he was helpless and soon there would be no place to hide anymore. Gerald said that everybody around him though the same, all around him there had been those looks pity and now he knew why, he could still feel them, those gazes chasing him, pushing him into a corner. So he kept running, darting objects, crossing streets, unable to stop and moving by instinct.

When he finally calmed down enough to notice his surroundings he noticed the familiar street, and the familiar house. He stopped and let out a deep groan, figures his instincts would lead him straight to **her**. He stared at that familiar door, knowing that behind it was the cause of his turmoil, she was so close, so close that he was almost sure he could see a glimpse of her behind the curtains of the Pataki living room. She was right there, he was sure of it, he felt his blood heating, his body tingling, she was near him.

But Gerald's words were still fresh on his mind and he feared that if he saw her now he would be influenced by them and he would do something stupid, he was sure of it.

He was too confused to see Helga; everything that he planned on saying to her to fix things had been blown away by the force of Gerald's words. He didn't know what to do, he was scared, and if he saw Helga he might lose all the control he had left. Helga could always awaken the primeval side of him and in this state of confusion he was sure that the slightest action from her would have his instincts take over.

He needed to leave now! He had to walk away and wait for a moment when he would be more in control to talk to her, he had to think carefully about what he was going to say and plan the situation so that he would have a chance of winning this fight.

Right now that couldn't be done, he could barely think straight much less plan something to win against Helga, he was too confused, too frightened, too fragile and too close. He could see her profile through the curtains; he would know it anywhere, he so close only a few steps separated him from her. How did she look like? Was she tired as well? Had she had nightmares like him? Would her long blonde hair be disheveled, bags under her big blue eyes and her face sour and cranky as she drank her morning coffee?

Or was he thinking too highly of himself by assuming that she was as disturbed by the events of last night as he was and in fact she had slept like a baby? Was he worried for nothing? Would he see her perfectly composed and refreshed like she was very morning?

He wanted to leave, he should leave but his body refused to obey him, his feet had a mind of their own and refused to leave when they were so close to their target. He felt furious at his body's rebellion; it seemed that everyone was against him, even himself. So he stayed rooted to that stop on the sidewalk, unable to make his body leave, but still possessing enough control over it to stop it from giving into the temptation of approaching her.

He was stunned, he was actually glued to the sidewalk by the mere glace of her, how pathetic could he get? What was wrong with him? It was just Helga! The same Helga who once poured paint on him, the same Helga who still found it amusing to spit spitballs at him, the Helga he had known all of his life! He had sat in front of her during most of their school years, he had eaten beside her. How he could be so nervous about meeting someone that had spent most of their lives by his side?

And that was just it, as powerful as the sight of her tears last night had been to him, Gerald's words didn't taint that memory, that reminder of her pain was pristine; it had become an untouchable scar in his soul. It was all the others, they were becoming tainted, all the times she put glue in his chair, the April Fools Dance, the time she was his partner for the science project, all the times he had seen her at her best and at her worst were gaining a new meaning. Everyone of his interactions with her were being scrutinized by his own mind, against his will he was doing exactly what Gerald told him to do, he was recalling all of their interactions and reevaluating them, giving them new meaning, new dept.

The corruption was unstoppable, the slightest moment of tenderness between them, the most insignificant argument were taking on an astronomical level. All those moments of sadness and happiness had been engraved in his mind over the years. All those precious bittersweet moments were turning against him, pushing and pulling him closer to that cruel monster called Truth, no matter how much he fought it was coming closer. Bigger, darker, more powerful at every second, it would crush him if he touched it, he was sure of it, the second he acknowledged it's presence it would pounce and kill every chance of putting his relationship back on track. Everything would change there would be no way to turn, nowhere to hide; there would be no more solid ground, just the unknown.

The frightening, horribly big unknown…

Right now there was a war raging inside him. A bloody battle, between two mortal enemies, the part of him that wanted to turn around and leave before it could cause more damage, but the other… the other was tempted, it wanted to give in to the unknown, dive head first and hope for the best. That nature of his to look always on the bright side was eager to dive in deep, certain that maybe the change would be good, that if he risked a bit it might turn out for the best.

But he couldn't risk it; he couldn't put all on the line for just for a hope for the best, Helga… Helga was just too precious to be gambled with. He couldn't risk everything, better to have something than nothing. Wasn't that better? To remain by her side even if he was restrained was better than to be forced to watch from afar. He just wanted her back, by his side, snickering at him like usual, he just wanted to be cured form this sickness and get everything back to normal.

Normality was where Helga always sat beside him at lunch, normality was where when he turned a corner on the street the chances were that they would bump into each other. It was place where Helga was always there, by his side, a place where there the probability of Helga abandoning him was zero. Like when they were children…

_Like when she was in love with me._

That's exactly what he wanted, the monster within was desperate with need, it wanted Helga in love with him again. What a selfish possessive creature it was! To want Helga so terribly, want her all to himself, to want to go back to the times when Helga had chased after him. What a dark terrible thing to want Helga's love in such a greedy way, to crave her in such a fervent manner, such a deep feeling, such passionate cravings. He wished he could kill it, remove it from his body like a tumor. But it was impossible now… it had become a part of him, it had made needing Helga as natural as breathing.

This had to stop. The game had gone on for long enough and what had it accomplished? He had changed, every certainty he had about who he was and what he was capable of had been shaken to their very core, and now his whole view of his bond with Helga had been forced a new place. Worse of all was the way he had acted towards Helga, he had hurt her, been cruel to her, teased her, tricked her, forcefully kissed her… He had acted…

_Like Helga._

The fire that had caused havoc inside him for so long went almost out in a second so was the shock of that realization. All this time he had been asking himself what was he doing and worrying about what he was becoming when the answer had been within him all along, hiding right underneath his nose, lost in his memories unwilling to come out. Now he saw what he truly was: an older, more intense version of the angry child he had spent most of his childhood with.

How did he not see it before?

The attitude, the aggression, the hatred for Brainy, the kiss, his behavior had been so alike the one of that of the young Helga, how could he have been so blind? Helga was been such a prominent presence in his life, he had spent most of his boyhood trying (unsuccessfully) to avoid her because of exactly this behavior. No wonder he had freaked Helga out! He had been acting like Helga when she had been in love with him…

His mind wrapped around those words and didn't let go, no matter how much he had tried to diminish their importance he could not lie to himself anymore.

He was acting like Helga… when she had been in love.

He was acting… in love.

_Oh God no!_

No longer stuck to his spot on the sidewalk, he backed away from that house, scared of who was in it, of what she meant to him.

_No! No! No!__ Please__ no!_

That's all he could think of. It was impossible for him to have another reaction. He backed away until his back hit the wall of the house.

He was trapped; he had nowhere to turn to, and no more lies to hide in. The truth had come, unwanted, despised, like a tsunami it had crashed over him, destroying everything in its path, completely annihilating that last precious bit of certainty that he had been holding onto to so fervently.

_What had he done?_

How stupid could he be? How blind? How arrogant? There had to be a limit on how tick a person could be! The way he felt, the way he acted… Everybody had seen it before him!

He staggered, his legs unable to stand the weight of the body, his skin flushed from the run had become a deathly white and had broken out in cold sweat. The disease had reached its final stage, consuming body and mind in a single terrific attack. What to do? How to act? He didn't know, he was lost, completely and utterly lost, never before had he felt like this, so scared and alone in this vast world, this was too big for him to take on…

His feelings for Helga hadn't changed a bit, except that now he knew what to name them; the disease had finally a name…

_No!_

He didn't want this! He had never wanted this! This would ruin everything! Nothing could ever end well with this.

How could he have been so stupid?!

Helga! Really?!

There were millions of sane, normal, baggage-free woman in this whole world, millions of nice sweet girls, and he… he just had to…

He couldn't even admit it.

What the hell was wrong with him?

This wasn't normal, it couldn't be normal. This cocktail of strong passionate feelings couldn't be what he was thinking it was it just couldn't! He never imagined it could be like this, never in his wildest dreams could he ever conceived it could be like this. It was impossible, how could anyone crave this? This was Hell! Did everyone besides him knew this?! And this still wanted it?!

It such a mixture of opposite emotions creating a war inside him: he had never been so sure of what he wanted in his life and yet he had never been so afraid of achieving it, so unsure if this was the right thing to feel. He glanced at that house, she was right there behind those walls but to him she was a thousand miles away, untouchable and unreachable. He wanted to walk through that front door, take her in arms and just confess everything hopping she would accept him, however any chance of him actually doing that were ruined by the incredibly powerful urge to run away.

He was desperate, a step away from panic with so many antagonistic emotions inside of him he had no idea what to do. There was a battle raging inside him; one where there could be no winner, any path he took would leave him with regrets.

_Somebody up there definitively hates my guts…_

It was the only logical explanation; there was absolutely no reason for this other than it was some sort of cosmic joke. Of all people in this world Helga, it just had to be Helga…

He waited and waited but he could not calm his erratic heartbeat. It was not as if he didn't saw Helga's good qualities, she was creative, intelligent, witty, loyal, resourceful, and being with her was always an adventure. He loved spending time with her; he loved going to the movies with her even knowing that she still made gagging noises during the mushy parts, he never learned a subject so well as when he studied with Helga by his side…

He chuckled.

Helga had always been by his side, for the good and the bad she had always been by his side, sometimes without his knowledge. She was the most constant woman in his life, his mother had disappeared years ago, his Grandma didn't seem to be all there, every crush he had had almost always faded away, but Helga had always been there. The last time he had felt that connected to a girl it had been in that Valentine Days date, Cecile and she didn't even tell him her real name…

He was smiling, it took him quite a while to notice it but when he did he didn't have the energy to be shocked anymore. She had made him smile, even in the middle of his angst riddled thoughts the memories he had of Helga always made him smile.

He was going to stop being stupid, he was going to stop being a coward. And he was definitively not going to lose Helga, he still didn't have a plan but he didn't care about that anymore, he just wanted to see her. He missed her, he actually missed her, he was sure that she would know what to do, after all she had gone through this before. He had to see her…

A shadow, it moved to stand right in front of him and for a moment his body tensed with fear it was Helga, he wanted to speak to her but he couldn't stop the twinge of apprehension. So reluctantly he raised his eyes to confront her…

His face full of fear and hope twisted into a snarl full of hatred, his body sprang to life an in a single jump he was off the ground, tense, ready for battle. If any of his friends saw him they would be shocked, he looked like a wild animal, ready to pounce and shred the obstacle in his way. His blood was singing in his body, full of lust for combat. The very air he breathed seemed saturated with rage and hatred. The other was glaring, and he felt a pulse of joy running through his body, he wanted to fight too.

He never thought he could feel like this, so untamed, so out of control. The memory of that arm wrapped around her waist like it belonged there, polluting her image, the fact that that face, that ugly wheezing face, had been close to hers; almost close enough to kiss her, to taint her had the bile rising in his throat.

"What do you want Brainy?"

"I want you to leave Helga alone."

He growled, the shear nerve of that…

"What? What did you say?"

How dare he? How dare he? He had ruined everything! They had a balance before, but then Brainy had come along and took Helga from him. It was all Brainy's fault.

"Stay away from her, she doesn't want to see you. "

Son of a…

It was probably true he knew that, but to hear it from him felt like a stab in his chest. It hurt to think that she had told Brainy the details of their relationship, Phoebe he could accept, but Brainy was an outsider, he didn't belong. Messing with their relationship, giving him orders, being near Helga, Brainy shouldn't be allowed any of those things, he was just an outsider. Rage rose to cover up the pain, he wouldn't show any weakness, not to him at least.

He pushed of the wall and took a few steps forward, making sure to bump aggressively into Brainy's shoulder on his way; he fought a grin when he felt him stagger a little from the impact.

He was burning and shaking, like he had a bad fever, his mind was foggy and it was impossible to think straight, his body was tense filled with anticipation but for what? What was he waiting for? This wasn't him, he had never acted like this, never felt like this, Brainy wasn't his friend, at this point all the memories he had of their childhood were worthless compared to those of the last few days, the fact that he had interfered, that he had become so close to her was, in his eyes, a crime, a betrayal, something that made him the most despised being on earth.

"If Helga doesn't want to see me she can tell me herself."

A hand clutched his shoulders, stopping him from walking away. The monster in him was so close of escaping; it was just waiting for an opening, a sign…

"Don't you care?! Don't you see what you have done?!She doesn't want to see you so leave her alone!"

He turned to face the other boy; all in all it had been the longest sentence Brainy had ever uttered without wheezing, before such a performance would have shocked him but now it just pushed him closer to that edge. The way he talked, like he had any right to order him around, like it was his right to interfere, he talked as if he knew in detail all of Helga's desires, as if he understood her better than anyone.

How he despised that little creepy weasel…

"Oh so you speak for Helga now? Funny, since you can barely speak for yourself?!"

That got to him, the wheezing became more pronounced, his flesh paled only to flush a deep red right after and his fist clenched. He observed those reactions with glee, so close, they were both so close to the dark pit, and how he wanted to fall, to give free reign to those dark urges, to finally be unleashed…

"You want me to speak for myself? Fine! I'll tell you exactly what I think…"

He took a step closer.

"You are an arrogant bastard…"

He felt a growl rising in his throat, the shear nerve of this sniveling nothing.

"… You never cared, you never saw her. You just ran after those pretty, empty-headed girls and just saw her as a nuisance."

"That's a lie!" He snarled.

How dared he? He knew nothing! He didn't know what it was like! To look at her, to want to look at anything else yet only seeing her, to only hear her voice, only feeling her touch even when he tried so hard to ignore it. What did Brainy knew of being entirely dependent on her… Brainy might care for Helga, might even love her but if she left he would move on, hurt and wounded but he would carry on and possibly, with time, bounce back. Could he do the same?

He never had Helga, but he wasn't sure that he could continue without her. Even if she would never love him again, maybe that chance was gone, and he wouldn't blame her. If she left him forever, could he go on? Could he just carry on? Just go on with his life, hopping that time would heal his wounds, but knowing that there would always be that scar, that we could try to have a healthy relationship with some other girl but in the back of his mind there would be that voice, whispering…

_What if she was Helga?_

_What it would be like if I was with Helga?_

_I want to be with Helga._

No. He wouldn't move on. He could try, but the emptiness would be inside him forever she would always be in the back of his mind, he would always dream of her and long for her. Without Helga he was incomplete… Without her he was a shadow of what he could be, just some pathetic guy who was missing something. Lila had been right, he could no longer part from Helga, even if she refused him, even if she chose Brainy all that he wanted was to remain by her side. Even if she didn't want him, he would always be there for her.

"Really?! Then why now Arnold? Why now when she is finally moving forwards?"

He didn't know why, he didn't know how! He had been fighting it for so long; he hadn't even realized he had been fighting it. But he had struggled, foolishly and stupidly he had fought all the way and for what?

All he had accomplished with this drama was to lose Helga and make himself miserable. Helga was with Brainy that was a fact he could not escape, and he had no right to interfere with their relationship.

But he would not tolerate this! He would not tolerate those lies! And that ugly bastard better not dare to try to poison Helga with his crap! If he did…

_If he dares blood will flow…_

"You know what I think? I think you enjoy making her miserable, I bet it stroked your ego to show up with Lila in your arms while she was left alone…"

"Shut up."

_How dare he?_

How could anyone think that he would feel pleasure in Helga's misery! Those tears… the tears he caused were a constant stab of pain and shame… a regret he would carry for the rest of his life.

He looked at that foul little creature, at that talking dirt standing there on the sidewalk that had the nerve to spout out such poison…

_So this is hatred…_

He had never felt it before, he was surprised on how nice it felt. To be able to direct all of his loathing, all of this repulsion to the boy was very satisfactory. Never did he thought that he could feel such a complete lack of care for another human being's wellbeing. He didn't care if Brainy lived or died as long as he got out of his way.

"… who knew that Mr. Nice Guy could be such a miserable piece of shit? Well no more Football He…"

His fist flew hitting that stupid face and cutting of that disgusting voice before he could even consider it.

That was Helga's name for him. Helga's and no one else, he would be six feet under before he let that creepy thing use it, defile it.

He was Helga's Football Head and nobody else's

He watched with satisfaction as that thing fell onto the cold hard ground. All the frustration of the last days, all the panic and restless nights, all the aggression were coming forth and focusing on that pathetic being.

"You know what? I think you know that no matter how hard you try you'll always be second place. That deep down you know that since I was Helga's first love she'll always remember me, but you… in a few years you'll just be that creepy little kid that she took on a pity date once."

He couldn't help the smile on his face, couldn't help but the deep dark pleasure at seeing Brainy's anger, his hatred obvious on that pointy face.

Let the monster come out, he didn't care anymore! Let it consume him and use him at will he was tired of fighting it. What had fighting himself had gotten him anyway! Nothing but misery.

All his life he had been the nice guy but now for once he was going to let go, he had already fallen so low what could a few meters more do?!

So he watched and he waited, anticipation making every cell in his body sing with pent up energy.

And when Brainy jumped back on his feet and punched him in the stomach, underneath all the anger and pain one thought stood out and the beast purred.

_Finally_

And then he attacked.

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**Before anyone asks Arnold is not going to kill Brainy, he is just really angry.**

**Once again I apologize for the lack of updates.**

**Please review, it will really lift my spirits to know that this story is not forgotten.**


	6. It's all so quiet

**Hello again! I know, I know it's been ages since I updated but trust me is not because of laziness or lack of interest, I love writing if I could I would write the whole day. But first of all I didn't have a computer for two weeks and second I'm drowning in work. So thank you for your patience I will try to be quicker but I make no promises.**

**Thank you to all the people who reviewed the story, you guys are the best.**

**I apologize for any grammatical and spelling mistakes this story has.**

**I do not own **_**Hey Arnold!**_

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Chapter VI: It's all so quiet

It was all a blur.

He remembered noticing on how strong Brainy was for someone so scrawny and then instinct had taken over. The punch in his gut had been painful but a blessing none the less, it had finally granted him the permission to let loose and do what he'd been dreaming of since he saw him in that staircase, in a position he clearly didn't belong.

He wasn't thinking, there was literally no rational thought in his brain. Only instinct was present, pain and exhilaration were mixed in a tantalizing tango, making him feel giddy yet focused. Pure adrenaline was pumping through his blood, is senses awakening to such a height of sensitivity that it border on painful. He could see it, where to strike, when to duck, he feel the tension of the moment in his very skin, and smell the blood that was running on the side of Brainy's mouth.

The pain was there, in his stomach, on his right foot, in the eye that Helga had hit before… His body ached and complained, he was tired, he was in pain, his body begged for a break, just a few seconds of peace but he monster was unsatisfied, for Brainy was still standing, so it urged on; punch, duck, hit, dodge, in a dance that had been imprinted in the body of every animal since the beginning of time.

No longer men, no longer boys, no longer people, just animals…

His fist connected with Brainy's stomach and for a second he could feel his ribs, hurting his already bloody knuckles, but he rejoiced in that small pain.

The attacks continued, fist flew, grunts, screams, obscenities making the way out of bloody mouths and aching jaws, the worse was that he no longer knew who was speaking if him or Brainy, both voices were so rough, so animal-like it was hard to tell them apart. It was getting harder to see, everything was becoming so blurry, the world was tipping over and the smell of blood was making him dizzy but still he kept his legs firms and his fist up.

He couldn't fail, not now, not with him but his body was failing him, he tried to keep going. In some part of his mind to lose to Brainy would prove that he was not worthy of Helga. It was childish thought he knew, Helga was not a prize to fight over, and she was no soulless object to squabble for. Helga, so full of passion, so wild and independent deserved better to be treated like that, she deserved better than both of them.

But that didn't mean he going to stop, he was in too deep, too lost in the darkness to bow his head to reason. So he kept going punching, kicking and swearing, diving deeper into the mud hopping somehow that would come out clean…

Everything was becoming so difficult…

Everything hurt…

His stomach, due to the blows and the smell, was starting to churn and keeping his breakfast inside was becoming a battle of his own, is face was probably becoming a swollen purple mess aching as it was and he becoming dizzy, so dizzy…

But still he kept going.

Why? This fight made no sense, he had already lost a long time ago, he had lost years ago when he chose to ignore Helga's feelings and his own. So why continue? Even if he won nothing would change, Helga would just despise him for beating up Brainy and what would that do to help him? Nothing. He had nothing to gain with this fight.

But then again he really didn't have anything to lose.

In the mist of all his mistakes and shortcomings, all of his stupidity and denial all he had done had been to thrust himself into a dark void and now he had no choice but to keep going.

In this empty Hell all he could do was keep walking hopping there would be some light at end of the tunnel.

Why did things turn out like this?

Another blow to his stomach had him falling to his knees, he struggled to get back up again but his legs caved in immediately. He still wanted to fight, the monster was unsatisfied, his blood was craving to hurt that repulsive creature and to make him pay for all the lies he said. But his body… his body, so weak and pathetic was failing him.

Suddenly pain exploded from the side of his head, his vision that had been blurry and getting dark suddenly exploded in light and stars only to face back into darkness a few seconds later. The pain was so great, and he felt so empty.

"What the hell is going on here?!"

He was so dizzy that it took him a while to process that voice in his head and when he recognized it he felt his heart drop all the way to his feet.

_Why?_

Why her? Why now when he was at his lowest?

Everything was so fuzzy but he could make out her form standing next to him and making angry gestures at Brainy, he could also hear some sort of argument between them but he felt too sick to make out the words.

"Oh for Pete's sake Football Head!"

It was that nickname, that beautiful annoying nickname more that the feel of her warm hand on his shoulder that made him summon the strength to focus his vision and take in his surroundings. Brainy was gone, vanished without a trace and with him the dark monster had also retreated back to its lair in the deepest most primal part of his soul. And Helga, furious, one eyebrow Helga was kneeling next to him, hair disheveled, face pale and still a few breadcrumbs on her face, in fact she was still wearing her pink pajamas. She looked a mess but that just made him feel happier to see her so concerned for him.

There was also people looking on the scene, he noticed, not a lot but enough to make him feel extremely embarrassed and self-conscious. Helga followed his gaze and seemed to guess the cause of his discomfort, quickly her concerned face was replaced by that of the angry little girl that no matter how much they changed as they grew he had always associated with Helga.

"What the Hell are you losers staring at?! Show's over! Get on with your stupid lives!"

The few people on the street disappeared, quickly walking away looking at the ground, embarrassed at being berated by a seventeen year old. More comfortable now that she didn't have an audience he could literally see the tension sliding of her shoulders as the fierce warrior became once again the concerned friend. The look of concern in the big blue eyes was so intense, so strong that he turned his head away in shame, after all he done, after all he said there she stood worried about him.

He had never felt dirtier in his life.

"Come on Arnold."

He felt the tingle of her soft voice in his ear, and the warmth of her arm as it gripped his, pulling him up from the sidewalk, but he couldn't look at her. She was being so kind that he just couldn't summon the nerve to face her. If she had yelled it would have been better, if she had fought with his and mocked him he would have had the strength to defend himself, to fight back. But he was as helpless as a baby against that soft voice and gentle eyes.

As soon as she managed to pull him to his feet, he felt the world spinning at a tremendous speed, and he realized that his body had absolutely no strength left to walk on his own, staggering for a few moments a gave up and fell on the ground dragging an unprepared Helga with him. He felt horrible, she was trying to help him and he couldn't even walk on his own, he was so weak and so pitiful.

_No wonder she chose Brainy…_

Opening his mouth to apologize he felt his stomach give a violent lurch and closed it right back, the only way this day could possibly get any better was as if threw up on Helga.

He was in so much pain, physical, emotional. He didn't if he could take it…

Helga put his arm across her shoulders then looped her arms around his middle in a firm grip. With one huff and planting her feet firmly on the ground she raised them both on their feet and stood there for a moment trying to regain her balance while carrying most of his weight.

_Unworthy idiot…_

How could he even think about trying to win Helga back! Look at him! He was no longer the boy she had loved, the she believed that could never do harm. That boy of her dreams had been replaced by this bitter, foolish, wretched man he had become. How could he make up for all the years lost in his stupid fight against his own feelings?

Maybe she was better off with Brainy.

And now he felt like throwing up again…

"Arnold…"

Her voice pulled him out of his dark thoughts, she was so warm, so soft, and her smell was like a welcome home after a year away. He felt like he could fall asleep like this, leaning against her, just slip into the most peaceful slumber he had in years.

"Arnold listen… I can hold us up but I can't carry you into the house… I'm not strong enough. So I need you to help me, I need you to walk alright? I can hold you up but you have to walk."

Walk… Yeah he could do that… Just one foot… God he felt sick… One foot after the other.

"That's it. You're doing great Football Head! Now just climb the steps."

One foot after the other, slowly step by step Helga managed to take him from the street and into the calm quiet of her home, closing softly the door of the outside world.

The house was dark and silent, too silent he noticed. There was no TV blasting on Big Bob's soap operas or Mrs. Pataki's snoring, a glance to the kitchen confirmed his thoughts, one plate, one glass Helga was alone.

"Your… your parents?" He rasped.

"They're visiting Olga in Alaska, they're gone for two weeks."

The way she said that filled him with a deep sadness, for there was no anger in that voice or disappointment but also no joy at being left parent-free for two weeks, there was only the quiet placid acceptance of someone who had been disappointed so many times that she had become numb to the pain. She just didn't care anymore…

"I'm sorry."

_I'm sorry they don't care._

_I'm sorry you had to grow up like this._

_I'm sorry I didn't realize it before._

_I'm sorry I can't save you from it._

_I'm sorry even you don't care anymore._

So many regrets and so much time wasted. A lifetime wasn't enough to describe what had been wasted in this house.

He should have seen it before, should have seen how miserable she was, how unkind the world had been to her. He had called himself her friend, he should have seen the signs, and there had been so many, he should have helped her, made her life better somehow.

He had spent his life helping everybody but the person who needed it the most.

He focused on her as she, with pushes an encouraging words, carried them up the stairs. She was strong, she had had no choice but to become so, life had made Helga strong and he admired her for it, it had always been a source of wonder to him on how Helga was different from others, on how even at a young age she talked with such authority that others just had to listen, how she walked with her head up high, knowing fully that she owed nothing to nobody.

But that life had also made Helga brash, angry and distrustful of the entire world. This life, this crappy unfair life had killed the innocence that every child should possess and that every adult should treasure, the idea that home was where you were always safe and beloved. Even he, who didn't even have the memory of his mother's face had a home with people he loved and who loved him back. Why didn't Helga have that?

"Why? It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does."

It matters, it should always matter. It mattered because Helga mattered, because she deserves better than this. He took in the dark, silent house, the walls filled with pictures of Olga like a shrine, and he imagined what it must have been like to learn to walk between these walls, with no warmth, no recognition and no chance to escape. How different Helga would have been if her family had been more loving? How much had her youth changed her from the person she could have been?

No one would ever know, the person she could have been had never existed, had never been given the chance to exist. The scars were there, eternal and painful but invisible to the naked eye, had left their mark on Helga's life, scaring it. It wasn't fair, Helga didn't deserve this.

He looked at the pictures on the wall.

_No one deserves this._

Pushing, coercing, begging and fighting a now exhausted Helga was able to finally put him down on the bathroom floor, and as soon as he felt the porcelain coldness of the toilet the uprising of his stomach became too much, he only had time to bend over the toilet, so that he wouldn't dirty the floor before the sandwich he had for breakfast managed to find its way out again. He wanted a hole to open beneath his feet and swallow him whole for the shame he was feeling, of being so useless, so stupid. What the hell had he been thinking?

But then he felt a warm body pressing against his, and soft warm hands caressing his sore face so softly it didn't even cause any pain, pushing his hair back. She was whispering something in his ear, calm and quiet words of comfort, he couldn't understand most of them but he clung to them like a child hopping they would give him strength. He felt like he was going to cry, she was being so gentle.

When that was finally over she leaned him against the wall and cleaned his mouth softly, asking if he was alright so lovingly.

In her touch, in her voice, in her very appearance, messy hair, night-clothes and concerned expression there was such an impression of tenderness. The house was so quiet that every movement she made seamed to disturb the quiet calm of the very air as she rushed to open cabinets, darting in out of the bathroom.

In a minute she had placed by his side, bandages, ointment for his bruises, topical antibiotics, and gauze, he barely had any time to wonder at the speed in which she had completed her search he felt a cold sensation on his forehead, he didn't even had time to try to keep his manhood has he immediately let out a shriek at the sharp pain.

She snickered.

He glared at her but the effect was ruined by the fact that he was so happy, so deliriously, inexplicably happy that he began laughing, it made his sides hurt and he looked like a lunatic but he was so happy.

Being here with her, being cared for by her, having the privilege to be the target of all her tenderness and still having her mock him, like they belonged like this. It was like everything was finally right in the world.

No fire, no ice, no nightmares, no fear and no monster it just him and Helga laughing together and sitting so close to each other breaking the tomb-like silence of the loveless house.

He was so happy.

She was very close to him, slightly bending over him, her right hand pressing a piece of gauze dipped in water to his forehead and her face so close to his. There was no tension between them, other people might look on and believe that there would be sexual tension, the desire to throw everything to the wind and just follow the primal urges of the body but there wasn't. It was just them, being close to each other and feeling happy for being so. It was a quiet, precious happiness that made them comfortable with each other, made him aware that this moment belonged to them only and if it were anybody else in her place he could never be so free to act the way he was, the freedom to be a little crazy and not be afraid to show it.

Only with Helga could he feel so comfortable.

"You wouldn't laugh like that if you could see what you look like." She said trying to catch her breath.

"Really? What do I look like then?"

"Like Hell warmed over. I mean you were always on the ugly side but now…"

"I don't see you winning any beauty pageants."

It's true that Helga had grown into a beautiful woman, but still if he said she was the most beautiful woman in the world it would be a lie. He could see the faults, the powerful eyebrow, her body was a little too thin and didn't have Lila's curve's or Olga's fairy princess delicacy. But it wasn't about thinking that something is perfect, he realized, because those who put all their faith in perfection were eventually disappointed in the end.

Nothing was ever perfect, that's what made things real.

_And what's wrong with some faults?_

She was so close to him that he could feel her breathing, the soft exhalation of air tickling his cheek as she tended to him. Her movements softer now, slow and gentle has he always knew she was able to be. It gave him the time to watch her, take in her whole expression. The way she half-closed her eyes in concentration, the way she was biting her lower lip, or the way she huffed in irritation every time her messy hair covered one of eyes and she had to stop the cleaning of his wounds to push it back again. Helga might not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but he would never get tired of watching her, he knew at that moment that he could spend the rest of his life waking up to that face and never grow bored with it.

_Gods Helga…_

"You're an idiot Football Head."

_I love you._

Finally he had admitted it, even when he had realized the truth he had not had the courage to admit it to himself. But in the quiet of this house, faced with her presence the thought had flowed out naturally, like it had been the most natural thing in the world. He had been a fool to fight it, it was scary to love Helga and he still wasn't exactly sure of why he loved her, he knew he hadn't expected it or want it but there it was, he loved Helga. It was a simple as that, it was a complicated has that.

Qualities or faults, tender or brash, rival or friend all of those things made her into Helga.

His Helga.

His friend, his enemy, his other, his rival and his equal, his first love and his last.

"I know."

Here she frowned, his face was taken care of and now she turned to his right hand, that was filled with cuts, she took it in her left, softly holding it as she put a new piece of gauze to clean it. He winced at the pain and watched as her gaze turned steady and sad, unable to stand he turned his attention back to their hands.

"What were you thinking? Why did you do this? You're supposed to be the one who remains calm, who always goes for the peaceful solution so I don't understand this. Why?"

He had never noticed Helga's hands before, they were surprisingly delicate looking. Long slender fingers, feminine looking, thin wrists, not a single flaw or imperfection just a tiny brown mole in the right hand's pinky. He had never noticed that tomboyish Helga had really feminine hands.

He could lie, say he didn't know, the fact was that he really didn't want to have this conversation, but that would just make him seem like a sullen child, sulking because he lost. So he focused on their hands and slowly wrapped his fingers around her wrist admiring its thinness and the softness of the skin.

"Brainy said some… things, lies all of them and I just snapped Helga. I just… I went crazy."

She was also looking at their joint hands fingers moving softly over is cuts, treatment forgotten. They were so close, foreheads inches from touching. He could feel her breath, her warmth there so close, so inviting. He was helpless to fight it, it would be like a leaf fighting the wind, he craved this… this blessed closeness, so peaceful, so quiet, and so good. Why had he ever tried to fight it?

He curled his fingers, lightly trailing the marks of the veins on her wrist and she sighed.

"What did he say?"

The motion of his hand on her wrist stopped. Those words, those disgusting lies still filled him with so much anger and hatred. He didn't want to say them, they filled him with repulsion and more importantly he didn't want Helga to consider them, not even for one second.

But he had to answer her, they were so close, speaking so freely to each other that he couldn't deny her the answers she deserved.

"He said…" he struggled to get the words out "…he said I don't care about you. That I felt pleasure at hurting you. It's a lie!"

He gripped her wrist tight, but not enough to hurt her or him.

"It's all lies Helga! I… I always cared about you, always."

Her right hand covered his, warm and soft caressing lightly.

"You have?"

He moved let go of her wrist to interlace their fingers.

"Always. Even when it seemed like I didn't."

He took a deep breath and looked at her. Green clashed with blue, two teenagers alone in a silent house, holding their breaths afraid that a single sound would shatter this moment, were waiting, hopping and fearing what would come next.

"It's you Helga, it's always been you."

Intertwined, just like their fingers. He didn't believe in fate, never in his life had he believed that there was some omnipresent being or energy writing their future, to him one was responsible for their own actions and consequences. But when he looked back on that rainy day when they had shared an umbrella, he had to wonder if it was really all coincidence? How could he imagine, so young and innocent he had been, what would they become, what she would mean to him?

It had been a million to one chance. But here he was… needing her, craving her, loving her.

They had been together for so long, ever since that first day of pre-school she had been such a relevant person in his life. She had bullied her way into his heart the way she has stomped the halls of P.S118, infecting with a disease that he could not cure. She was his other, is other side, his other half, they were so alike and yet so different. Lila had been right, how could he had ever considered willingly part with her.

He loved her it was as simple as that.

And so in the silence he waited for whatever might come next.

"Arnold we need to talk."

"I know."

"We can't run away anymore."

"I don't want to run away. I want to talk Helga, I don't want to hurt you ever again."

"You didn't…"

"Don't lie. Even if it is to make me feel better don't lie. I saw you crying, I… I'm so sorry."

"Why did you do it? That's the only thing I don't understand, you've never acted this way before. Why?"

He wanted to break away from her gaze, to look down in shame and retreat back to the comfortable silence. But they needed this, he had messed up so horribly and now he had to heal what he had injured, and he needed answers too. For once in their lives they both were going to be honest with each other.

They should have had this conversation eight years ago.

_Well… no time like the present._

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**Well that is enough for now. I really want to dedicate an entire chapter to Arnold and Helga's heart-to-heart so I'm going to start working on the next chapter.**

**Please review! I can't stop stressing this. Getting feedback helps to keep me motivated. So please, even just to say good or bad is enough.**

**Till next time.**


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